Annee Deux Mill quartorze

Its a year of change, a year of growth, a year of opportunities, a year of understanding and a year of love.

Went on spiritual and physical journey.
This is really a bit of a floozy claim. I was very lost since late 2012, not entirely sure what I wanted to do and constantly doubting myself. Adding in getting increasingly annoyed by my life situation just to realise that situation in life is not going to change if I don't accept changes and a lot of times its just a change of perspective that does the job. I've written an entire essay on how to embrace change here. I'll be honest, I still have those annoyed moments when things don't go my way but the improvement is, these moments come in smaller doses than ever. Considered change.

Proudest achievement is finding peace within myself
I decided to give yoga a try after being recommended by a friend. I never considered myself a yoga person. I love adrenalin, I like momentum, I like not doing something in slow motion, in short - I refused to succumb myself to myself entirely. 

Yoga requires the yogi to entirely rely on him / herself. Previously I have thought practising Yoga is an easy feat, I mean how difficult can those several poses be? WRONG. I realised I wasn't as strong and definitely not patient enough. Practising Yoga allow myself to find my weaknesses and work on it. I still wasn't very sure of it yet but I've seen changes in myself, physically and mentally. 

Running to a whole new level, 10 miles
This is where I got my adrenalin fix - Runner's high. Running started out as an escape and slowly all that huffing and puffing did not allow much distraction to the mind anymore. But whenever I find myself stressing over things, all I have to do is go for a run, a short 20 minute run set a whole new perspective for me. There surely is nothing a cup of tea and a run can't fix.

New additions to my body art
Its no surprise to everyone that know me, I am a fan of "body art". I started piercing my ears since I was 12 and didn't stop until I had both of my ears full of piercings. After I've grown older, I shifted to tattoos. I started late, I've gotten my first tattoo when I was 22. 2014 is the year I started live in my "Live. Laugh. Love" tattoo. The point of it is, I need to learn how to Live then to Laugh only to Love. I managed to fulfill Live and Laugh pretty well. But I am still learning to love. If I was a hopeless romantic, I am certainly not anymore. But slowly I allow good things to grow organically rather than trying to force it. Sometimes, learning to love also means letting what or who that doesn't make you happy go and sometimes its letting that person go because I don't make him / her happy anymore. 

As of today I have 4 tattoos and I don't plan to start anytime soon. 

Did I mentioned books? Read record number of books
2014 was a year of searching; soul searching, job searching, searching for inspiration. When I wasn't searching, I inject my brain with much needed knowledge. I was always a fan of books but genres are limited to fictional and motivational. I started giving poetry a try then dive straight into those I deemed cheesy-motivational in the past. 

I have successfully completed 31 books when the year is over. My favourite book is a kid's book recommended by my best friend - The Little Prince.

New languages
I wasn't a person that is strong in languages in school. Although I hated Mathematics to the core, I excelled in Mathematics and had once considered pursuing Maths for my tertiary studies. I decided to learn an extra language that I've always wanted to after I completed my thesis 15 months ago while travelling around. 3 months worth of French later although I did not have more than 20 vocabulary in me, I managed to do something that I had previously thought I needed talent to do so. 

I am now still learning French and the language is sticking to me pretty well. 2015, I challenged myself to another language while learning French. I am not sure how well I will fare but as far as challenges go, I am loving this one. 

Friends and Loved Ones
I am not a home person. I have enough bad experiences with friends that makes me never want to grow attach to anyone. But I've met enough good people in 2014 to make me have faith in human kind after all, not to mention the awesome people that helped me through thick and thin. Those that never hesitated when I needed to borrow their ear. 

Of course there won't be great times without sad ones. I lost a few friends to distance and life. As a person of action, it pains me greatly that whilst effort could be put in to retain the relationship. Sometimes its time to let go. So however unwillingly, I let it go like how Queen Elsa did. 

Perspectives
I used to appreciate grand gestures, now I would cherish a simple well-meaning wish or blessing. A bad event could be a blessing in disguise or a wake up call. A good one could be a disaster in the making. When great things happen, be humble. When bad ones come knocking on your door, remember that it might just be a lesson for a better future. See the beauty in everything! There is bound to have something worth remembering in each and every event.

Human Connection

Young Melissa likes people to like her, I remembered I was told by a friend that she knew someone I know doesn't like me, I did not stop bugging her to let me know who that someone was for days. Dislike is a harsh word. I like to see it as INCOMPATIBLE. Both of you are either compatible, where there's a connection either verbally or non-verbal OR both of you are not compatible. Simple as. No matter how hard you tried to connect, the wave length is just not syncing.

Thing is, it should be that way. We would be way too busy if everyone are able to connect with everyone. I'll let you in a secret, not a single individual on earth are able to connect with everyone, if you think you can, you are just lying to yourself. Its impossible.

And this makes the people you can connect with, extremely precious. Truth be told, there aren't that many. Mixing in the uncertain elements in life, its downright scarce. I myself have a handful of friends that I could talk to about anything. Every conversation is like a fun lesson. But it is not easy trying to keep that up but good thing doesn't come easy, no?

Recently, I caught up with a friend after a few months. Boy was that conversation a pain in the beginning. Our wave length is so out of sync that I struggle to find the connection we once had. The first 30 minutes are mainly made up with "I don't understand(s). Speak English please. What(s)?" But 30 minutes into the conversation and a little help from wine, there we are again. Conversation flows , silent moments aren't at all awkward. Best part of all are the friendly matches of sarcastic comments.

Of all the wise inspirational BS that were said, this one left a rather impressionable mark on me.

"Everyone need at least another individual, every single human being need to connect with another human being. This is why social media is so addicting. Unfortunately, that came with a downside, we are too busy focusing on connecting with the world we forgot the person sitting right in front of us."

See, I knew this all along but it seem so much wiser coming from that friend of mine. I am very fortunate to know people from all around the world and that means I rely on social media a lot to keep in touch with most of them. Snail mail takes too long. And sometimes life does slipped in and come between me and them. But I believe that if the connection is there, all we have to do is just pick up where we left off. And it will always seems like no time had passed.

Once in a while, its good to look back

Remember that many times that I walked past London Eye and squeezed past the never ending tourist onto Westminster Bridge, hoping to get out of the crowd immediately. All I could think of is walking as fast as my legs are able to and as swift as my human-avoiding skill allows me to, never really stopped to admire the glorious House of Parliament, headed straight past Parliament Square just to get to the bus stop as fast as I could. Today, it dawned to me that I might have had looked up once in a while and stole glances of the House of Parliament and Big Ben, scanned through the square to see any interesting protest is going on there. But I never once turn my head at look back to where I come from.

The past should stay in the past for many reasons, my favourite one is "Why dwell on it when you can do nothing about it?" But yet I find myself thinking about it from time to time. Sometimes I wished things could be different, sometimes I wonder will I be thinking about other options if I were to make my decisions differently, sometimes I am glad that I followed the route I am on right now.

Most of the time, I shake my head and shrug it off, reminding myself" There is no point, no amount of thinking will make things different." But there are times that I find myself smiling or even grinning stupidly to myself. My decisions led me to what I am today and even though circumstances could be better than it is now, I will never change the way I did things."

Never look back, unless its to see how far you've come. The past may be an ugly mess, heck, the present may be an even messier time but *lets pull out the cliche* c'est la Vie. Messier life are more fun anyway. So to every mistake I made, thank you for teaching me a lesson. For every person that came in my life, thank you for helping me grow. For everyone that left, thank you for helping me realise sometime in life I have to just "let it be". For each and everyone that stayed, thank you for staying and I love you all.

Love LOCK-ED, an Oxymoron

Ponts des Arts, Hohenzollern Bridge,Västerbron and closer to home, that bridge atop Penang Hill. What do they have in common? Yes, Love LOCKS.

http://www.kellypurkey.com/its_me_kp/2014/06/paris-pont-des-arts.html

Love LOCKS......ahhh, the ultimate, no-going-back, forever locked together romantic gesture. *Technically can be forcefully removed, but that is cheating* Personally, I have this kind of commitment issue. Sure, it is very romantic but what if shit happened and you are no longer with the person you are "locked" together with? What if you despise this person so much that the thought of having a lock inscribed with both your names forever locked together makes you wish you did rather die? *Drama Queen*  Perhaps I am thinking too negatively and think that this whole idea is as much of a gimmick as Valentine's day. 

Don't get me wrong, for someone that doesn't believe in this grand gesture of love, I did spent a very long time reading what was written on the locks. Some are downright sweet, some disgustingly cheesy. Some locks are put on there by new young couples, some by old long-term couples; declaring their undying love to each other. I am still very much a hopeless romantic but the idea that a lock is needed to secure the love I share with the special someone just defeated what LOVE is supposed to be.

Love is "suppose" to be a selfless act. Cliché saying - "If you love that person, you should wish him / her all the best, even if that means watching her loving someone else". Love doesn't require or involve a lock. Ultimately, what is yours, will be; what is not, will never be - with or without a lock. 

What's important is you are going...

Changes. Daunting isn't it? Human are wired to get used to things, another human being, materials; we are wired to get attached to what's familiar. The sheer thought of changes would make us feel uncomfortable. I know certain changes literally make me want to crawl into bed, under the cover and never want to face reality.

I tend to forget that while changes may seem scary but it will bring positive impact to your life. Perhaps the impact won't be immediate, sometimes not even obvious but it will always turn out to be how it was meant to be. One major problem of CHANGOPHOBIA is human associate change with leaving the comfort zone and that is synonym with bad.

Yes, it is scary and you will get lost at first. So lost that you are not sure what you wanted and everywhere you turn, you don't seem to belong; so lost that your inner peace no longer serve its intended purpose; so lost that you seemed like a spirit, watching your helpless self struggle to make sense of everything. Your heart break into a billion pieces and nothing seem right nor will it be right.

The sad news is everyone went through the same thing one time or another, one change or multiple changes (at the same time) seem like an invisible hand that grab hold of your whole world and shake it like a snow globe. What's different with your life and a snow globe is nothing in your life is glued down. The life as you know it seemed like a dream and that change just bursted your dream bubble.

Now all you are left with is a raw version of yourself. It may come as a shock but the good thing about changes are you get to re-invent yourself, you get to evolve. Change serves as a reset button and what happens after the change is entirely up to you.

So, grab hold of change's horn and make the most out of it. There are days when it gets tough and this is when you have to tell yourself - " Just keep going, you have to keep going, going where? It doesn't matter. What's important is you are going. Eventually it will get better."

I had been stuck in the same rut for the past year, a rut that was initially a change that I welcomed. Even though I took it as a life experience, frankly I doubted myself every single day. I kept asking questions similar to " When is it going to be different?" Things are especially hard when I felt completely useless not contributing to the society that I imagined I would be. One thing that kept me sane is the same mantra I tell myself everyday, I have to keep going; keep doing things that I am passionate about. I write and write, I travelled then I write, I meet new people who are inspiration to my writing. I invested my time online writing this blog and writing offline. I signed up a new language course to widen my language skill and also to improve on my English.

All I need was a change to break the routine. I got my changes. I am now a contributing member of this society. And guess what? Deep down, I don't want things to change. Classic human. Here I am, not happy about the rut I am in but the change that life provided, I am not too thrilled about it either. All because I am too comfortable in my comfortable-sweatpants mode.

Of course I changed into my equally comfortable jeans, accepted the change and say yes to everything. I am now still getting used to the changes but I've learned a lesson, when things are getting slightly routine, it is time to grab hold that snow globe of a life and give it a good shake. Don't forget that the sun has to set for it to rise again.

The Perfect LOVE story

Its the classic story of Boy meets girl, Girl meets boy; Boy like girl, Girl is smitten with boy; one of them had to leave, leaving both with an empty feeling and hearts aching for answers, aching for each other.

The time together are precious as there is no time for nonsense. Chemistry is strong and passion is present. Attraction come hand-in-hand with lust. Oxytocin filled the days, endorphin rule the nights. Both drowned in a high better than drugs. The strong urge to validate all these emotions by getting in a relationship, to find out the compatibility.

Yes, all these could continue and turn into something very solid. While there are extreme positive in an uncertainty, there are also extreme negative as well. Though that doesn't stop us from dreaming how great things will be. Life is only as good as the dreams are, isn't it? Its the perfect LOVE story, with the right amount of affection, drama and tears. It is afterall a very popular plot in all romantic stories.

The future seems so bright and promising but it too seems very fragile and so out-of-reach. Doubts are often accompanied by hopes. Will things fizzle out or will it go stronger as the day passes? Questions after questions popping up, hurting the mind and pains the heart.

In this "Perfect Love Story", I've learned the not-so-perfect me and the perfectly imperfect you. We both had a past that fits into each other, sharing empathy for each other after showing each other our side of the painful experience. You gave me a hug and said "You are forgiven.", in your arms I found comfort, I found forgiveness, I found closure. From my words, you believe that you are able to take the first step away from your previous betrayal.

We may be placed in each other's life to love each other or we may be there just to help each other. But no matter what the Spaghetti monster has in store for us, I want you to know that I will love you and you have a huge place in my heart.

What if?

Credit: http://connie-stillbelieve.blogspot.com/2013/08/georgetown-penang-street-art-mural.html

Heartbreaks are inevitable. It happens everywhere, anywhere, anytime and for various of reasons. Your heart breaks when someone broke it, when you don't get what you really wanted and worked hard for. Your heart breaks when a loved one left you, willingly or not. We are all humans and one serious blessing that humans have is emotion.

My heart breaks when I knew I am separating with a good friend, even though what really separates us are just earth distance and potentially, life.
My heart breaks the most when I know no one is at fault.
My heart breaks when an important and constant element of my life, even for a tiny while, was taken away from me.
My heart breaks when I lose something that wasn't mine at the first place. 

I believe lots of people are no stranger to what I was and am going through. The apparent and cruel uncertain situation that we are in definitely added some much needed mystery in life. There are a much bigger picture to consider and most of the time, humans are haunt by the deadly questions of "What ifs?" The wonderful scenario that only exist in your dream and That ideal life that only come to life when you are not conscious.

Yes, I am an advocate of "you attract what you wanted the most", I had proven myself wrong a dozen of times. But sometimes these said emotion get the better of me and I lost the strength that I had been accumulating to face these uncertainties in seconds.

But I also remember the thousand of times that I was reminded that the Spaghetti Monster has a funny way of sorting things out. The friend you never thought you would see again? You saw him twice in a span of 5 months or He suddenly told you he will be moving to a city near you. The person that was never in your circle of friends and thought you will never come across? Bam! You met her and she became one of your closest friend. The person you thought is going to be family? Nope, just a passerby in your very own story.

I do have my own set of thoughts and opinions. It was drastically different than what it was just a year ago and I am sure it will be different next month. All I can do is try my best to be a better me and hope for the best. The sole reason as to why 2 people would be in the same city in precisely the same time for years but never crossed path did when they happened to be in another city is a simple one: The time is not right. Then when you finally did met and had a great connection just to find out the interaction is a short-lived one? Again, the time might not be right or both of you are just not right for each other and the Spaghetti Monster is trying to spare you a larger pain than the one you are experiencing now.

Its a cliché but EVERYTHING DO HAPPEN FOR A REASON. Most of the time, hindsight and retrospective that have the perfect vision. The reason as to why bad things has to happen to you are actually probably blessing in disguise. And when you finally have something, you learned to appreciate it.

I'd like to think of pain as a mentor, teaching us all the life lessons that we are ought to learn. Because what is a better teacher than heart-wrenching and soul crushing pain? Remember that pain is TEMPORARY but what you learned is PERMANENT. After the lesson, pick up the pieces, stitch it up and continue learning.

Trust

http://themetapicture.com/patrick-youre-so-wise/

TRUST,

Something I was blessed with. I trust easily. Stranger Danger are usually a foreign concept to me. 

But face it, this is exactly how putting trust on someone will look like. Vulnerable. 

Bestie told me I trust too easy. I'd like to think I have a superpower that enables me to know who to trust.

Unfortunately, I did not. I placed my trust on someone that I shouldn't and since then I lost my ability to trust. I still trust my family and friends but I no longer trust someone enough to make them my Partner in Crime. 

I am now aching to be able to trust again because I have met my Spongebob. 

To My Future Self

Credit: SKII Malaysia Youtube

This video is on the investment that every woman should made for the sake of their looks. But the message I got from the clip is a VERY strong message to all of us that want to know what future have waiting for us. Personally I would love to have my future self to talk to. To avoid mistakes. To save me from heartbreaks. To guide me through the fog of life. 

But when I really think about it, I wouldn't want to preview or have a sneak peak of formative years. *Putting the technical causality issue aside - my future self telling me what to do or what not to do would definitely change the course of my life and destroyed the integrity that comes with it* 

Mistakes are accompanied by Lessons.

Heartbreaks are just the downside of Great Memories.

The Uncertainty is there to create Mystery. 

The future that was carefully planned did not work out. The boy I thought I was going to spend the life with turned out to play another role in my life. But hey, the plus side is the gorgeous hunk that I never gave a second thought might find his way in my life. A girl could dream. As Pretty Girl once said - Uncertainty = Probability. 

Yes, I am anxious to know what's next. I CAN'T wait to meet my Life Partner In Crime. I look forward to the day when I look back and laugh at my many mistakes but at the same time realised those mistakes carried me down the path I was supposed to take. 

Check back in a year and see how much has changed. 

Au revoir, mon ami

*I dwelled for a long time whether to write this long ass post as writing it would mean prying my heart open again. But I decided it is for the better so I hereby present Melissa in her most vulnerable form.

Few days ago, I bid goodbye to someone that was so important to me I thought I'd rather die than to live without him in my life. I've also learned that there is no one I can't live without. It was exactly one year ago I was completely infatuated with him. The infatuation grows everyday. I am willing to see past all his flaws (what flaws?), focusing on only the good parts.

As I grew older, I searched for emotional connections. The easiest way is to be able to hold a conversation and talk about everything. From topics that I am an expert to topics that the other person is an expert in, or just topics that we both share the same view or have completely different opinions on it and discuss it in a manner that left both with a brand new perspectives that hadn't previously crossed our minds. There are no topics too trivial or too awkward to talk about. Being able to converse without judgement or competition is what I searched for and is the single thing that I would never compromise in any relationship.

Its a relationship that last. You don't have to have something in common (well not much anyway) with me but you have to have the same level of curiosity as me or even more. We don't have to have the knowledge in the same thing, that way we kept learning from each other.

As the relationship changes, we still managed to maintain the friendship that we had built along the way. I enjoyed his company and our conversation just as much. I decided that no matter what the label is, I would no doubt enjoy having him in my life. It is not the classic negotiation stage in one of the grief stages. It just fell into place. Yes, I've been through the sad phases and had decided that the time has come to store that as a past experience, learn to let go and carry on exploring the future, with him being a good friend.

For about 4 months, my plan went well. I am recovering with the help of friends that endured my theories regarding the demise and those theories range a fair bit. I decided to venture to the outside world alone and had met quite a few people. Some turned into great friends, some were great chats for the night. I am happy with my progress, though once in a while, there are moments of weakness but those moments got shorter and shorter every time and as the day passes, I am sure that our time is up.

Everyday I struggle with the same thought but everyday was power through with positivity weaved in by myself and friends including him. Speaking from someone that is going through a "sort of" tough time (I said "sort of" because those were rather first world problems), I kept my spirits high by focusing on the good and having an open mind. Never saying no to social invitations, trying all kinds of new activities that were previously scary (being slightly cheeky from time to time), exploring new hobbies, went into old abandoned habits. You name it.

Finally, good thoughts paid off. I met a like minded person. It wasn't quite so permanent as I thought, I was shocked to have met someone that I could talk for hours on end on the first few hours we met. We basically covered everything on earth, from arts to commerce, from our views on emotions to exchanging thoughts on how to survive in this world as young (lost) adults.

As the time we had were limited (cue Before Sunrise anyone), we stayed true to ourselves. I love these encounters, these fleeting affairs, I am always more willing to be vulnerable because I knew I never had to see him or her anymore. His subsequent judgments or opinions about me doesn't matter. We stayed up the entire night basically getting to know each other, knowing perfectly well when the sun rises, it was time for him to go (Cinderella or Dracula?).

But life had another plan in mind for us, we found the opportunity to meet up again. Now being entirely sure of what our feelings are towards each other, we did not hold back. We enjoyed every moment like it will be our last. We travelled and boy, I never had been SO spontaneous in my life. The stranger danger alarm went off for 2 seconds but I decided to just take the risk. I am glad I did, I crossed off items on my bucket list that I didn't know was there at the first place. It may be too premature to say that I found the courage to love again but I did. Through a fleeting affair with a stranger nonetheless.

It was the most beautiful thing in the world. Being vulnerable. Part of my fear when the previous relationship changes is that I will never be able to love again and I just proved myself wrong. Of course, where is the fun in this entire story if there isn't another twist that comes in and completely wrecked the integrity of the story?

The (past) friend decided to catch up and do something that completely disappoint me. The disappointment was so intense that I couldn't bare to be his friend anymore. Got to give it to him, he did know how to pick a moment. He lost my respect in the fact that he is able to remain dignified even when life isn't going the way we wanted (he was the one that taught me life won't be what I planned to be, he gave me the courage to weave those fragile positivity in my daily struggle). He wasn't the person I thought he was. Even though he doesn't know it, he chose the time when my courage is on its way to a full recovery. And he chose a time when I am infatuated with someone else. I do not know the reason why he is doing this, but this decision to clear his conscious had burden me with his guilt. That wasn't the person that I came to respect and love.

Some people came in your life for a season, some for a reason. He is the latter and I think he served his purpose.

Vivre

La vie est pleine de petit surprises.

Life is full of small surprises.

It may not be a permanent one but its always a pleasant one. Enjoy life, appreciate what you have, be happy. 

Confidence with a sprinkle of imagination

The differences between the Western and the Eastern is stark. Actually, the variations are a world different and you don't have to go too far as to compare the East and the West. I would like to think I have both side of the world in me. I am an Anglicised Malaysian Chinese girl who learned English by watching Friends. I am NOT ashamed that I am made up of this mix, where some ingredients were mixed in later than others. No one is made up of only ONE culture, not in the 21st century. But lets face it, one wouldn't stray too far from what he was brought up with. No matter how hard he tried and why would he? Bear in mind everyone embrace their culture in a different way.

I am proud of my heritage and my culture but I love to learn about and from new cultures. Whats odd and weird with our culture might be completely acceptable or even a norm in other culture. The joy of learning a new language just cause. Try it. La vie est plein de petit bonheurs.

A friend once summed it up very well. Eastern culture are more passive compared to Western culture. That is why people from the western side of the world seems much more confident. I was in Singapore once ordering a Sangria to match the glorious hot weather. When the waiter was just about to serve me the drink, he hesitated about his judgement on my age. Now everyone that knows me know I look slightly younger than I am suppose to be. Mainly due to my "petite" frame. I "confidently" told him I am not underage and he paid me the first compliment I got in the department - He said I am confident.

Again, if you know me, confident is never included in the many adjectives used to describe me. Cute, yes; tiny, of course; interesting (maybe a better world for eccentric), sure. Never positive adjectives on my character. Dom told me to be more assertive and more confident all the time. Even the 6 year old girl told me to "be more sure about what you want". Apparently I am now confident enough. At least at the eastern side of the world.

Why is that so? I claimed to be fairly confident in anything I am doing or tried to do. But more than often when I describe my dreams and ambitions to someone; friends or family, I was immediately given responses that runs along the line of "That only happens in the movies or Things doesn't happen just like that or Do you think its that easy?" Now repeat that about a dozen hundred times and you will start to doubt whatever confidence you have in yourself.

Guess what? Movie plots might be farfetch but stories come from somewhere and most of the time, it was inspired by real life people with real life stories. Sure, it was dramatised for entertainment purposes but it did happen. A thought had bugged me from time to time - Why is there no middle ground in life? I used to led a rather peaceful life and had been dreaming for some extra "oomph" in my life only to had my life turned upside down by the so-called "drama". Which one do you want more?

I chose to stick with the topsy-turvy life for now while I am young and strong enough to handle that shit. That helped me built confidence, be more assertive and just plain do not afraid to ask for what I want in life. It might be farfetch, it might be crazy. But I am my own living proof that even though sometimes things doesn't work out, sometimes things does, often in a most unpredictable way, and sometimes all I need is a little (I mean A LOT) patience.

Take my word for it

Learn to live, then learn to laugh before you learn to love.

Not many do, they just like to think they do. 

To Live

Is not to let any fear, any reason or any excuse or any doubt hinder from what you really want to do. 

It may not be the easiest or the most pleasant way to achieve, it is the most meaningful way.

To Laugh

The ability to find the good out of everything and laugh about it.

The same old cliché: Everything happened for a reason. I call it Blessing in Disguise.

To Love

Find passion in whatever you do. 

Say what you mean, mean what you say.

I am guilty of not doing that to almost everyone in the past. Witnessing that being done to me first hand changed my mind. 

Now,

I say what I mean; never just to please or to defile.

Does age matter?

All my "relationships", I had always always been the younger one. Loosely translate to being the more immature one. It ranges from months to years. I used to think I am mature enough to handle the relationship only to realise I am not as mature as I would like to be.

Just about 2 months ago I met a younger person. He is not normally in my age horizon, more of my sister's. I must admit and apologise for being a person that is quick to judge. I see a person as young as my sister, immediately I came to conclusion that he is too young and a kid. I rarely associate myself with someone my own age, let alone someone younger. My bad.

An absolute sweetheart and had been with me through my breakdowns, confusion, good days and extremely bad moments. I am incredibly grateful that someone are willing to listen and is pleasantly surprise that it is him. Who knows someone that bears the Italian version name of the very same one that broke my heart is helping me heal what is remaining. Humans put on a mask that only show a tiny portion of their true self as self-defense. With him, I didn't. Perhaps he is just really good in convincing me that he is not a jerk.

With him being mature beyond his age, my previous perception about younger people changed forever. But that doesn't generalise all younger (than me) people. Same goes to people that are older. Maturity doesn't comes with age. It comes with experience.

I wanted to dedicate this post to you, my dear sweet friend. You are dearly missed. We will meet again in the near future.


Yours,
Melissa

What is LOVE - Part II

7 months ago I wrote about what I considered LOVE. That was a long time ago because things changed. When I said things, I meant THINGS. I fell out of love, I fell in love, repeated the process again, met new people that showed me love is more than just "love".

What I considered love is still valid for me and my definition of it expands to a whole new level. Why restrict yourself to one definition?

Love is:

• When She still cries when she says goodbye, even though that was the umpteenth time.

• When a kid made sure you got on the seesaw with him minutes before you leave and took away your shoes so that you can't leave.

• When a kid decided to like you. Kids are the most authentic human being, no diplomacy, no politeness. They either like you or not.

• When someone calls you bodoh (Malay for stupid) for certain actions but secretly like you for that. 

• When someone made sure you stay true to your feelings even though he knows it will make you uncomfortable and upset. Then will stay there with you for the entire duration of your break down.

• When someone told you that both of you will proceed of being in each other's lives for the rest of it. Contract void when one dies.

• When they are always there no matter how far or how long you had wandered off.

• When someone decided to take you as you are. All your quirks and all your exploitable kindness.

What is love to you? Is it conditional or unconditional? Does love makes you a scarier or more lovable person?

Turn of Events

Life is just a sum of different events. Big or small. We usually forgot the small ones and the big ones are forever etched in our brain and heart.

Small events like the thousands of times we brushed our teeth or the hundred of kilos of gorgonzola I consumed weren't remember. But no matter how many times you say goodbye or lost someone, no one will forgot how daunting the experience felt. You might be immuned to it but its never forgotten, you put it in a vault, locked it up, throw away the key and hope that you would never deal with it again. But I am sure these horrible feelings and memories will have a way of sipping into your mind eventually. 

Today I had to say goodbye to a friend again. She was quite upset. I hate goodbyes, its never pleasant. Its a part of life. I had said more goodbyes in the past year than I did previously. Goodbyes are painful - Putting up a defence system by not getting attached is the easiest way to cope. I've gotten used to it (though just recently). 

This is where turns of events came in. Life is a fascinating matter, when I thought it would go in this direction, suddenly it took a U turn and I landed elsewhere. I never thought of seeing my friend so soon again. But 4 months later, we somehow managed to make it happen. When life gave me a U turn, I embraced it, seized the opportunity and went for it. I got lost, very very lost. J.R.R Tolkien onced said in his books "Not all that wanders are lost". But I'd say "Those that are not lost, most probably did not wander".

Perhaps its just me and getting lost is a bitch. That feeling is indescribable. Its the hardest part of being a grown up. Its extra challenging when there is a rather strict social convention that frown upon those that wanders. But those that wanders had the best stories, those that has the courage to wander would be able to do just about anything. I would suggest everyone to get lost and not stress about it. Things will fall into place.

It is scary, I am not going to lie. Most of the time uncomfortable and not easy. It requires a lot of patience and peseverance, not to forget a very very thick skin. People will doubt you on the way but if you hang in there enough, things will come. Truth be told, I have absolutely no idea where I will end up, what I am going to be in all perspective. Its shit scary and sometimes I can't help but wonder will those "things" ever arrive? What are those "things"? Will I really be happier when it finally does? 

Before we part ways after a short few days, we gave each other a very simple yet meaningful gift. Here is my picture of her holding that gift.

                               

Life of a sailor's wife

Two months ago, I took a trip to the northernmost city in the world - Reykjavik, Iceland. That trip changed my life in many different ways - metaphorically and literally. It changes my perspectives and upon return to London, I discovered I lost someone important in my life. I wasn't happy about the lost but in retrospect, I saw that coming.

I was inspired by the life of a sailor's wife. I visited the Icelandic Maritime Museum and spent some time reading stories and interviews from all those sailors and fishermen's family.

It is a long distance relationship in its glory. 

These fishermen were away months even years at a time. This was during the 40s or 50s but these wives are as modern as you and I. They would find ways to keep the household afloat when their husbands are away. To some of the kids, their fathers are like Santa Claus - bearing gifts every year when he visited. The upbringing and character-shaping are entirely up to the wives. What's more heartbreaking, some of them started their married life apart and ended it that way.

As a kid, I had a taste of what its like to have an absent parent. No, my parents aren't divorce. My dad was required to work in another city in the country. He constantly travels to work and will only be back on the weekends. It lasted for about 2 years cumulatively. It was a time where the internet is not fast enough to be able to have a conversation via Skype or Facetime, heck my dad doesn't even own a mobile phone back then. Our only means of communication is that 15 minutes window where my dad would call home and all of us would gather around the phone, taking turns to talk to him.

I remembered every Sunday night I would stand by his car and say goodbye, wishing he doesn't have to go. I was about 12 / 13 years old. He always said goodbye to all of us and gave a kiss on the cheek but he always add an extra sentence after he gave me a kiss - "take care of mum." But I always know that come next Friday he would be back. I count my blessings that I will always see him by the end of the week. I can't even start to imagine how difficult it is if he were to leave for months and months.

Fast forward 5 / 6 years, it was my turn to leave. This time it was for months. I attended university in England, a country so far away that I can't travel back home every weekend. I could never understand how hard it is for my parents to see me go. Now I could. It wasn't that much different from how I was feeling when I wave goodbye to my dad a decade ago.

Long distance relationships. I was in a few. Everyone is. My father was in a long distance relationship with his family for 2 years. I am currently having one with my family. I was in one with 2 former boyfriends for a better half of our courtship. I am now having long distance relationships with 2 of my dearest friends. In this time and day, if you have friends from a different country or had moved to another country, you are in a long distance relationship.

I tried putting myself in the wives' shoes, I can't. Its not that I can't do it, I can't even imagine me doing it. I talked to my father on the reason why he quit being in the air force ( a career he was pursuing since he was 17), he told me he couldn't put his wife and his kids through what a lot of soldiers put their family through.

Long distance relationship brings patience and compromise to a whole new level. It is a short-cut way of knowing what the other person means to you. This is precisely why it is one of the toughest tests on a relationship.

5 Stages of Grief - Stage FIVE: Acceptance

Acceptance

In the fine art of emotions,

Acceptance is the kindest of the finest.

She realises that she cannot repeat the glorious past.

Acceptance brings her closure.

Understanding moments in life are never repeated.

Learning to enjoy every passing moments.

She starts reattaching broken pieces that were once her heart,

piece by piece, fragment by fragment;

Slow but surely.

Accepting the cold hard truth.

The loved one that was once a stranger,

Is now embarking on the journey again.

Destination? Stranger once again.

-Melissa

5 Stages of Grief - Stage FOUR: Depression

Depression

Depression.

Persistent sadness.

Lasted for days and weeks.

Living in her very own bubble.

Shutting herself off from the world.

All the emotions in the world: Joy, confusion, happiness, disgust and love.

She was left feeling unmotivated.

Having given up on the world.

Her favourite activity is to sleep the pain away.

She loses out a lot.

Though its one step closer to moving on,

It’s the most difficult baby step to take.

Without knowing all she has to do is to let go.

-Melissa

5 Stages of Grief - Stage THREE: Anger

Anger

Anger,

Ticking time bomb.

Blaming and fingers pointing.

To soothe the soul,

to push the heavy weight of responsibility away.

But instead,

Burdening herself with stressful emotion.

Releasing fury on anything that crossed her path.

She tries to convince herself that pain is an ingredient of maturity,

But can only come up with “is it worth the hype?”

Foe of forgiveness.

She decides that she is not the master of her own heart.

She decided to be angry.

-Melissa