Written while Drunk on Thoughts

29 Jan 2013

"Sort of" Bucket List

A little more than a year ago, when things gets bad, I started changing a lot in my life. Perspectives mainly. I tried to compile a list of things that I would never do, more precisely, the old me wouldn't do.

1. I decided to get a tattoo, a thought that was with me for years but didn't get around doing it (also mainly due to the former love doesn't like tattoo-ed girl, I would never let anyone get into my way anymore, I had the tattoo for more than a year and everyday its like discovering something new). Am thinking of getting a new one soon but it was so expensive in London.

2. I decided to change myself a little bit and how I see life. I decided to get out of my way to do things that I weren't comfortable in doing.

3. I decided to get an Iphone even though I used to dislike it to the guts and don't think I will ever get one, even though I am a Macbook fan girl. I think things change when life decided to change.

4. I hated going out till late at night as I prefer to chillax at home, nowadays, you would be lucky to find me sitting at home in the evening, chilling.

5. I started going out more with different people, even though inside i was screaming in protest, I still make myself go. I said yes to all invitations (valid ones, of course, not some random dodgy guy). If you know the old me, I wouldn't do that. Am I right, Master? Its all because of my high dependency on him.

During New Year, my dad texted me a long list of wishes and advises that include this particular one that i like "Even if you don't feel like it, get dress, show up, the best has yet to come." Well, that was so right. Naturally when I saw this stem cell donation drive, I didn't think twice to sign up for it. I was horrified with needles and tubes. I saw how it was done on my mother and I freaked out on how high the blood pressure is when you extract blood. But seeing this is one of the things I wasn't comfortable doing, I am going to give it a try. I do not know whether I would be a match but at least I decided to do something about it.

Perhaps donating blood could be a yearly thing that I do and also sign up to be an organ donor (one thing I always wants to do) when I die. Did anyone one where I can find information on this in Malaysia?

6. I never really liked photography, I believe that we should savour the moment rather than busy snapping pictures for memories. The memories that was captured in the mind and heart counts more than the memories on photo paper. Pictures wouldn't be able to capture how you feel about the place there and then. Memories might fade but the feeling, it will always be there. First kiss, I forgot how it was but I remember how it feels like - weird and wrong. Hahahaha, messy. My point being, it will always be there. The feeling at that moment, it was irreplaceable and unlikely to be forgotten for life.

But now, I had the responsibility to share my life with everyone that cares about me. So I picked up a little bit of photography using my Iphone. And I got some really nice comments from my Instagram, my followers increased and I got a little recognition from the school paper! I shall go steal a few copies and show it to you guys. But hey, my main point of all this is, if I didn't venture to this area, I will never had gotten that. Sometimes its a complete waste of time but sometimes, the time wasted isn't all for nothing.

So perhaps it was right of him to tell me that even if I don't see us together in the future, it doesn't mean its not worth the time. Sometimes the journey is the destination.

Lets see, I was picking out things that I was never comfortable doing and try to strike it off my list one by one. Whats next on the list?

27 Jan 2013

International Night, a reply and a random building in London

*To start off, I apologise for not realising there is a comment on my post on Vanilla. I would like to reply to the comment and had change the settings on my blogger so that I would receive a notification on comments. =) I like the comment, its from a perspective that I never thought of. It is due to the high demand on Vanilla that leads to it being the most basic and simple taste and scent in the world? It sounded quite ironic isn't it? So, is it better to get all the attention and not being special or being unique while remaining quite unknown? But yet again, does being mainstream mean being simple or plain?*

Yesterday was the most fun I had in years. We had this International Night planned, although not much people showed up, I still had a good time. The International Night stayed true to its name, there are only 1 country repetition. We have friends from Bahrain, Pakistan, Norway, Turkey, Brazil, Russia, Indonesia, Malaysia (ME!) and Italy (Pizza). How international was it? Hahaha. Without the restriction on someone checking up on me and some help from alcohol, I realised that I am actually quite capable of having a good fun. Hahaha. I am glad that I did attend even though I had to rush from one end to another end of central London.

I had so much fun that the fun continued in my dream. The dream was about me getting another tattoo, without any planning, I just go forward and tell the tattoo artist I wanted a tattoo, but what and where, I don't know. Then I let him draw all over me to decide where I want it to be. I was enjoying myself in the dream, with a few friends of mine and a few friend of his.

I ended up getting a tattoo around the rib area. A huge one. I am sad when I woke up and realised that it was just a dream. Imagine getting a tattoo without feeling the pain of needles. LOL. This is the interpretation from www.dreammoods.com : To dream that you have tattoos represent your sense of individuality and the desire to stand out in a crowd. You want to be unique and different from everybody else, particularly if you do not have any tattoos in real life. Consider also what the tattoo is and what significance it has in your life. It may represent something that has left a lasting impression on you. Alternatively, to dream that you have a tattoo suggests that a waking situation or decision is having a much longer lasting effect that you had expected. "

This tattoo dream came after I decided to put myself out there and mix around more, I'll take it as a good sign. =)

Pity that I was busy socializing and did not have a lot of pictures. But I shall post whatever I have.

Andres (Red), Hiran (leather jacket), Ipek (the only girl) and Paulo (the blur).

And Taha in blue, I like how striking his top is, compared to the pool table.

Aren't pizza the easiest and ultimate choices when everyone is either too lazy or too busy? Valentina made an apple cinnamon cake which is so good that before I could reach for pictures, it was all gone.

Thats Valentina, she made a wicked apple cinnamon cake, I never really like cinnamon but I had 2 slices! and Nurul with her back facing the camera.

There were others (Shaami, apologies if im wrong, and some other friends of Hiran) but unfortunately not captured in my pictures, perhaps you can stalk facebook for further pictures? To end the blog, can someone tell me what does the building below resembles? I think it resembles a bullet. Taha thinks it looks like a cucumber. =.= I am looking for the most creative answer. LOL.

Source: http://blog.marketing-soc.org.uk/tag/the-gherkin/

25 Jan 2013

Clearing my mind

*If u are sick of me ranting nonsense, just skip this post. I am just clearing my mind.*

I apologise for the constant pinning on a past love. The letter should be an end to everything but here i was writing about him again. I have a thousand things to said and a million things to write but it will all revolve around my reasoning for what I did. I guess i am overcompensating the guilt i felt by trying to reason with myself that i shouldn't be thinking too much and feeling too bad. I also overcompensate by patting myself on the head that i had the right feeling all these while. Of course, it doesn't help alot if u think about it. But i felt better after rambling.

I don't really know whether i knew him longer or she does. I met him when i was a child, 9 / 10 years old. He was a neighbour of a friend's that i used to spend all my time with. We even took the same tuition where he begged to share my answers with him. Hahaha. Little did i know that i would grow up to court him for a substantial amount of years of my life and even less so that i would left him with a scar of betrayal and distrustness (if there is such a word).

I always knew this girl - a girl that he was and apparently still is close with. She is nice but that is all i knew about her. She is quite different from me, she adds me as a friend immediately after knowing me. She invited me to their gathering with other old friends. She is nice. Ditto. Part of me is really glad that she is the new girl. I knew he is in good hands.

But somehow the vindictive part of me thinks that there might be something between them all these while. And i am someone that came between them for 5 years. He should be with her from the start. Perhaps we are acquainted much earlier on but its always not meant to be. You know, kind of like Lucas and Brooke? I am Brooke and she is Peyton. Brooke tried to hang on to what they had between them for as long as she could before she realised she doesn't picture growing old with Lucas. If i were to tell u i am fine with this, i would be lying big time. Everyone that went through this will tell u that there will somehow be something somewhere, especially when you are the bad guy that wrecked your relationship, no matter how fucked up it was.

I talked to my dad and a mutual friend of him and mine. We spent hours exchanging messages and I am really glad that he gave me some peace of mind by telling me that it takes 2 to tango, there are something in him that caused it. Being a good friend, he too disagree with what I did and told me I was childish. But the happiest thing I got from talking to him is, he could see I am growing up. The way I see things and the way I talk. And most importantly, I would now admit my own wrong. I recalled that I never will. Also, he reminded me that its that mistake that took me to where I am right now and if I like this version of me better, even a horrible thing could be a blessing in disguise.

As for my dad, I finally took the courage to tell him after more than a year. I guess I didn't think that its his business in knowing anyway. But truth be told, I felt so much better after I told him. At the very least he would stop asking me about him. And he told me that this is life, its in the past and no more tears. And as a bonus, I got to learn abit about his past, past girlfriends that is. Hehehe....

In risk of sounding like a bitter and smaller person, whenever I thought of the good times, I thought of the one time he told me that there are problems in our relationship. He never quite trust me from the beginning and I was being a rebel (and confirmed by my friend), so I subconsciously did the mistake to prove him right. So, yes. Here lies the problem. He could have trust me more and I could have communicate to him in a better way i.e. talking it off rather than doing what I did. And personally, I think that the relationship ran its course years ago. Neither him nor me have the courage to end it, it fits well into my plan and i supposed it fits into his plan as well. "Just because it fits well into my plan, it doesn't necessarily mean its right me." In some way, I am glad that this came early, if i were to delay further, i would have lost even more. I needed him for some conveniences (i cant drive myself around and i like to depend on people), so there comes to a time that i would learnt how to drive and open up doors of opportunities. There goes my thoughts. I no longer blame myself and felt guilty nor i am apologising and feeling sorry to him anymore as what my friend said it takes two to tango. I may be at fault here but i am not the only one.

So, ya. Thats my ranting for now. I treat this blog as a friend to talk to as i cant constantly bug my good friends. I have no intention nor do i have the thought of wishing them to be bad. When i said that i am happy for him n her, its from deep down of my heart, sincerely. She is a nice girl and i have no reason to hate her. I dont have the right to hate or dislike him.

Somethings happened for a reason. Right now i have to learn to completely let go.... completely.... I once heard a chinese way of speaking “人生嘛,不是得到,就是学到。就算得不到,还是有学到。“ Translation (loosely): Life is all about gaining and learning, if you end up not gaining (losing), you will still got some learning.

To be honest, I wanted him to see all this, to see how much was learnt and how much growth, to see that it was a blessing, not a suffering. =) Be proud of your padawan, Master. And also, please let me meet a cute guy in the near future. I don't ask for much, just one that find me interesting will do.

23 Jan 2013

Letter to a past love - Part II

Letter to a past love - Part II - short update

I am glad that despite of the pain you got from me, the betrayal and the disappointment, you found the light that guides you towards a new relationship. Right now, I finally realised that you and I together aren't in my vision of the future. I sincerely hope that she will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

And on a happier note, I am also seeing someone. This post is for the future, a better and brighter future.


21 Jan 2013

Its winter, finally

*To those that was wondering why I did not update on Facebook, well, I prefer this platform, it is less "show-off", more on "trying-to-share-my-experience". I hope that you understand why I lack updates on Facebook.*

I was envious of countries that snow. Canada, where my friend is was snowing on and off. Most part of the world had been snowing. Why isn't London snowing? I remembered 5 years ago, my cousin told me that it rarely snow in London. The following year, it snowed abit during March in Norwich, that was 2008. Winter 2008, it snowed but snow doesn't last long. A year later, I went home for Christmas and I was greeted by snow when I return from home during January 2010. The weather had gradually became colder, from no snow to little snow, to mild moderate snow to ACTUAL snow.I was jealous that during Winter 2010, the snow came as early as November. London was snowing heavily. The first since 2007, first for a long long time. Naturally, I was secretly hoping for snow. Its not my first time encountering with snow. I played with, rolled in, touched, tasted snow when I was on holiday when I was younger. But somehow, even someone from a snowing-cold country would be very excited when it snow, so it is only normal if a tropical girl like me is excited with all the snow going on.

After months of anticipation, the first glimpse of snow came a week ago on 14 January 2013. It was brief and short, the snow didn't had a chance to accumulate. It is just as if it had rain. I was slightly happy but I knew that it won't last.

15 January 2013, it was really cold, temperature went down to negative but still no sign of snow. I started bundling up even though I hated it really much.

Then come 18 January 2013, my friend tagged me on Instagram. She was really excited. I was kind of neutral as the snow accumulated isn't as thick as I want it to be. Imagine, white snow, everything is blanketed with white snow, not just a few white patch here and there. It snowed for quite some time on 18 January (friday) but stopped and soon, the snow started to melt away. I did took the opportunity to take a few pictures and everything looks beautiful.

There are some snow on the roof top but you can still see some green.

19 January 2013, I woke up early in the morning, hoping there would be snow everywhere and I would get the chance to take the first picture of snow when no one had ruined the fresh snow by walking on it. To my disappointment, there were NO snow.

20 January 2013, hoping to get up early so that I could run some errands, I overslept. I woke up every now and then to check whether there is snow. Without my glasses, I am basically half blind. I mistook snow for mist and went back to bed. It is not until I decided to wake up, I realised that it was snowing, quite substantially. I pulled on my leggings, put on my thermal pants, gear up and head out, clutching phone in my hand, trying not to care about the cold.

And there it was....

SNOWING QUITE HEAVILY!!!!! Notice the "whiteness" in this picture is more dense than the first one? There are no green patches on the rooftop.


Hard to imagine that just 4 months ago, when I first arrived and now. Of course, I prefer everywhere when it is snowing. =)

I wish I could capture how heavy the snow is but my camera isn't good and fast enough. But it should be very clear how heavily the snow is in this picture.


Even the hustle and bustle of London calmed down for the snow. This place is just off the main road but it seems like its a world away from the busy London, best of both worlds I'd say.

 I can't get over how picturesque this is.

 Naturally, there are snow balls fight.

Path taken!

See how deep the snow is?

20th January is a very special day to me, one year ago and today. Coincidentally, it snowed so heavily on exactly 20th January a year later. Making everything wonderful and pretty. I hope for the future 20th Januarys, it will be as pretty as it is today.

Ending the post with a video taken by me to show how heavy the snow was. Unfortunately when this was written, the snow had stopped. Now, its the slush and freezing ice to walk on. Wish me luck on the slippery roads in London. I hope all of you enjoyed my little adventure out in the snow.

18 Jan 2013


Vanilla. What is the first thought that came into your mind? Simple? Basic? Plain? Some say vanilla is plain. Sure enough, Vanilla is the most basic flavour in the ice cream selection. Vanilla sex refers to plain sex without any tools or toys (thanks to 50 shades of grey). In the world of finance, vanilla derivatives are the most uncomplicated derivatives in the derivatives' world. I call vanilla - heaven, happiness and warmth.

Vanilla is associated with being sexy but most importantly, it represents love, warmth and care. I think this is the reason i love it so much and I love it more now during the cold months of winter and having to live alone for months. My love for perfume started when I was 15 years old, my first perfume is a citrus-y scent from Lacoste. I never used to love sweet scent, i am always fresh scent kind of person until some time 2 years back. I forgot when exactly but should be around the time when everything started to crumble. It was then my vanilla obsession started. I hated sweet scent. I thought i would get sick of it in a few months time. But here i am, looking for the perfect vanilla perfume where there are more gourmand based (imagine food-like vanilla) than oriental based (more spicy).

Of course there are cheap ones and expensive ones. I came across this brand, Le Labo. It has an exclusive perfume that you can only get in Paris. Naturally, it is Vanille 44. It was branded as scent of love in the city of love. I was excited to get my nose on it since i will be visiting Paris. But haven't taken into account most boutiques close on sunday, i doesn't have the chance to pay the boutique on Boulevard Saint Germain a visit. Now that i read it is the perfect vanilla pod scent. I crave for it even more.

So, I was searching high and low for a good alternative to Le Labe Vanille 44 and came across Diptyque's Eau Duelle. Boy, was it expensive. 50 ml cost £50. I always thought vanilla is cheap as it was the most basic scent that ice creams could offer. Of course, I was a kid. Hahahaha. I wouldn't bore you with the pictures of my perfume wants. I just wanted to convey the message that Vanilla has to offer.

Just like flower, I believe that all scent has a meaning, the feeling and message that gave the person who is wearing it as well as the person around them. Rose means mature and alluring. Camomile means calming and soothing. Vanilla reminds most people of ice cream and the cookie flavour they had when they are young. It also represent simplicity and purity, hence the word plain vanilla. It was also shown in researches that it reduces stress and anxiety (Source:http://www.sirc.org/publik/smell_vanilla.html). I guess this is why I started to like vanilla. I felt happy whenever I took a whiff on anything vanilla. Now, I wear perfume to bed and it acts like a security blanket. It soothes me, like how lavender soothes and helps people to get a better quality sleep. Mine is vanilla.
Source: Le Labo website

Le Labo's Vanille 44 has the nicest description that conveys love (and sex) - "We all know that Paris is the city of love (and hence sex). remember, Paris is always only a memory away…" fitting description. =) I had a good time in Paris, it contains my bitter past and wonderful future as well as the most promising present. Vanilla is just like Paris, bitter sweet. Just like all life experience, it has sweet times, bitter times (it is the burnt Vanilla scent) and the "warm" feeling you get from spicy scent (Yes, Vanilla is a spicy scent if its the Oriental group).

Perhaps when i visit Paris again with my lover and he / she get me the perfume. It all suits into the whole love, warmth and care criteria, don't you think? For now, i am still looking for that perfect vanilla scent. Perhaps i should just make my own vanilla scent by smearing myself with the inside of vanilla pod for now since that could be the cheapest alternative for now. I found happiness in Vanilla, once in a while I was reminded of the lingering bitter past and with the promising warmth of the future.

What is your scent? Are you a warm / fresh / floral person or are you au natural?

16 Jan 2013

Shopping episode & some useless updates

Apologies for not writing as frequent as I used to as I had not much interesting experiences to share now since school started again and my timetable are somewhat full.

The weather are getting colder and I love it very much. Now it feels like winter and it snowed briefly yesterday. I took a few pictures but the snow just refused to show up on my pictures and due to the not-so-cold weather, the floor isn't carpeted with white snow, it just looks like it had been raining. So, nothing very exciting there. And as I predicted, it stops in an hour time. But feel free to check out pictures online. Norwich (where UEA, my alma mater, is) was beautiful yesterday.

Source from dailymail.co.uk. So unfair, when I was there, it was just ONCE it is like that. Come on, London, SNOW, SNOW, SNOW, SNOW. I wish for thick snow and everything was white when I woke up in the morning, nothing but snow greets me. SNOW!!!! Cold please leave Canada and come to England or just London would be sufficient.

So, I am stocking up on knits. Knit wear isn't much useful in Malaysia. You would either got a heat attack or someone would look at you weird if you wear knits out. Yes, Malaysian tend to be judgemental sometimes. Because I do that too. I am sorry to admit but at least I am honest.

H&M offer a great deal of beautiful knits in an affordable price. These are what I wanted to get. I love the pastel colour but aren't too adventurous to try out pink and lilac as it is a tad too girly for me.

Pictures of tops are from H& M UK.

Also, Asos' apparels and accessories are too much that I wish I could finish browsing everything. But I got bored after a while and start to filter out those that I don't like and sizes which I don't fit in. Due to my own cleverness, I decided that it wasn't gonna be cold so I did not bring my coat with me. So, I had to buy, though I wouldn't complain, but so far I hasn't been able to find something that I like. Yet.

Something quite worth me mentioning is Uniqlo's HeatTech. To be honest, it was quite plain and generally not quite attractive to me, but oh, how warm it kept me. Its like a long john but a more attractive long john. But it was really really thin and it kept me warm, without looking like a penguin. Being the tropical girl, I refuse to bulk myself up as I find it unattractive and troublesome, so this was just perfect for me.

I am going to watch Les Miserables this coming weekend and I can't wait to watch. I love Anne Hathaway from her Princess Diaries days and of course, its pronouce "lei mi-se-ra". hahahahahaha. Just kidding. I wanted to watch both movie and theatrical version as I had really good experience with The Phantom of the Opera.

This is a short update on the weather and me. I apologies in advance if I lack some interesting writing ups because there really is nothing much important to write about.

14 Jan 2013

Virgin Turkish Meal & Wanders of wondering

Holidays are over, although we Chinese have Chinese New Year coming up very soon. So, almost every month has some festive holiday coming up. After CNY is Valentine's Day then Easter following. After Easter, its summer, usually means holidays but after student life, summer is just another season, not a holiday. After summer, sound to be autumn then not long later its winter and Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas won't be far away.

Speaking of holidays, I am still in my holiday mood but is in my way of getting it out of it because I had to. =( Before officially getting out of holiday mood, my friends and I went for Turkish food. You know, usually I love going for new cuisine. But I have a condition, that is - going with friends that are equally as adventurous in terms of food as I am. I absolutely hate people that dare not try new food even though it looks disgusting. Just so you know, I tried lots of disgusting food. I've tried insects when I was travelling in China and remember how most people claimed that blue cheese stinks? Well, its one of the staple cheese in my fridge. My principal in life is, try everything before judging. So, if you are a food prude, I will mostly not dine with you or if you are the kind of person that stick to your own food (i.e. food from home), sorry, we can't really go try new things together.

Yes, I was slightly annoyed when people do that. You just live this once. Try all kinds of food. Of course sans the cruelty like eating a monkey brain when the monkey is alive. If its dead, no problem. Anyway, back to my virgin Turkish meal. Oh, how much I love lahmachun / lahmacun (a.k.a. Turkish pizza). I love it.

We went to a Turkish restaurant in Islington, called Antepliler.

They served us some kind of bread with olive and some spicy sauce. It is almost the equivalent of Italian bread with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. I like it, reminds me of capati, the Indian flour bread that I eat with condensed milk when I was young.

We ordered 3 starters: Humus (mashed chick peas, i think the English equivalent is Hummus, Cacik (yogurt with cucumber) and Icli Kofte (basically something like a corn dog but instead of a sausage inside, there are minced meat). I love all of them, eat it with the bread they gave, I can make a meal out of it. =)

This is the Lahmachun / Lamacun (Turkish pizza), there are minced meat and some sauce on top of it and I was going to cut it like how we eat pizza with cutlery before my friend stop me and told me I am eating it wrong.

I was meant to roll it up to eat. Reminds me of Homer teaching Ned that if he rolls up his pizza before eating, all the toppings will not drop whilst consuming. Well, that was embarrassing, now I know the second time if I eat it. =)

The dish below is called Ali Nazik. Its basically meat with cheese, yogurt and egg plant. Its abit sour-ish and my friend barely eat because she thinks its too sour. Well, I thought people that love spicy food would like sour food too. Maybe that is just Thai, like tomyam. Hehe. Either way, all the dishes looks like you could just team it up with bread and make a good meal out of it.

This is what the bill comes in. How beautiful is it. I remembered that I've gotten similar trinket box from my uncle when he and my cousins went to Turkey for holiday. Perhaps the next time my friend goes home, I should ask her to get me one of these. Its so pretty and the inside is covered with turquoise velvet lining. I wish I could steal it. =)

I wish that we could end with some Turkish dessert but unfortunately, we are too full to had one. After the dinner, we decided to take a stroll along Upper Street, Islington. I vaguely remembered I went there once with my cousin, Soo, before many years ago. It looks better than it was, there are more shops and boutiques than I remembered such as a huge Jack Wills even Aesop boutique which I think there are only one in London and another counter in Selfridges. Perhaps the next time I should take a walk there. The only inconvenience is it took me at least 45 minutes by bus or by tube to get there while I have Stratford just 5 minutes tube away.

Here's my experience on my first Turkish meal. I had the idea that it might resemble Greek food but the Greek food I remembered are fairly dry as it was all grilled. Or perhaps I did not try the actual Greek food the last time. But I am glad to say that I enjoyed Turkish food, adding them into my list of favourite cuisines.