Written while Drunk on Thoughts

25 Apr 2014

The Scent of You

The Scent of You

You are what cigarettes are to me.
I can't seem to keep away from the both of you.
No matter how hard I tried.

Even if I succeeded.
It never last.

Its a painful process.
A roller coaster ride.

I pride myself for never getting addicted to any substances.
Coffee, alcohol or close friends.

Quitting cold turkey is never a challenge.
But this is different.
Invisible but tangible differences.
This is because I relate cigarettes to you.

I don't care that cigarettes make me smell.
I don't care that cigarettes are essentially killing me slowly.
It reminds me of you.
Your presence and The SCENT OF YOU.

A mixture of tobacco, nicotine, you and that Hugo Boss cologne.
A scent that during summer has an extra musky ingredient.

Quitting cigarettes is getting rid of the small trace of you that is left.
I am not quitting just yet.
I am not ready to reduce you to being JUST A MEMORY.


22 Apr 2014

Romance and Germanic

I am more of a "French Girl". Not that I am French, though I am a girl. But I prefer the Romance language and culture more than the Germanic language and culture. The Romance includes: French, Spanish and Italian. As the name of the language group suggested "The more ROMANTIC language". The Germanic includes: English, German and languages from the Scandinavian. You could probably tell from the harsher pronunciations and tones of the 2 language groups. Culture wise, it wasn't subtle that the Spanish, Italian and French came across more passionate and "friendly" while their counterparts are portrayed as to be more reserved when expressing themselves.

I don't originate from either group and Chinese definitely fell into the latter. We have problem telling each other how we feel. But I am a firm believer in letting someone know how we feel about them and how grateful and privileged we are to be able to be more than acquaintance to them. So it is suffice to say I prefer the Romance culture and along with it the languages.

When Pretty Girl decided to go to Germany and asked me to join, I wasn't expecting anything but I am not a person that would passed on a chance to visit a foreign country and really just to see her face again. Afterall, its where most of my life education came from.

I am announcing that "Its my bad! I shouldn't have my judgement before I even tried." I formed my opinion based on a very small sample size and that is a premature decision. I hereby announced that I love Berlin. It is one of my favourite cities in the world. Oops! I got ahead of myself.

The fact that Pretty Girl is there with me might have influenced my decision. I may not be a fan of currywurst or overly salty potatoes, but I am a beer convert and tartar. Who knows raw beef can taste so sinfully good. If I am not already a carnivore, I am definitely more of one now. Serve me steak, I might think twice. Give it to me raw, YES PLEASE.

Without much of my rambling, I present to you COLOGNE / KÖLN. Yes, this is the place where Cologne was invented and hometown to a friend of ours.

14 Apr 2014

Turn of Events

Life is just a sum of different events. Big or small. We usually forgot the small ones and the big ones are forever etched in our brain and heart.

Small events like the thousands of times we brushed our teeth or the hundred of kilos of gorgonzola I consumed weren't remember. But no matter how many times you say goodbye or lost someone, no one will forgot how daunting the experience felt. You might be immuned to it but its never forgotten, you put it in a vault, locked it up, throw away the key and hope that you would never deal with it again. But I am sure these horrible feelings and memories will have a way of sipping into your mind eventually. 

Today I had to say goodbye to a friend again. She was quite upset. I hate goodbyes, its never pleasant. Its a part of life. I had said more goodbyes in the past year than I did previously. Goodbyes are painful - Putting up a defence system by not getting attached is the easiest way to cope. I've gotten used to it (though just recently). 

This is where turns of events came in. Life is a fascinating matter, when I thought it would go in this direction, suddenly it took a U turn and I landed elsewhere. I never thought of seeing my friend so soon again. But 4 months later, we somehow managed to make it happen. When life gave me a U turn, I embraced it, seized the opportunity and went for it. I got lost, very very lost. J.R.R Tolkien onced said in his books "Not all that wanders are lost". But I'd say "Those that are not lost, most probably did not wander".

Perhaps its just me and getting lost is a bitch. That feeling is indescribable. Its the hardest part of being a grown up. Its extra challenging when there is a rather strict social convention that frown upon those that wanders. But those that wanders had the best stories, those that has the courage to wander would be able to do just about anything. I would suggest everyone to get lost and not stress about it. Things will fall into place.

It is scary, I am not going to lie. Most of the time uncomfortable and not easy. It requires a lot of patience and peseverance, not to forget a very very thick skin. People will doubt you on the way but if you hang in there enough, things will come. Truth be told, I have absolutely no idea where I will end up, what I am going to be in all perspective. Its shit scary and sometimes I can't help but wonder will those "things" ever arrive? What are those "things"? Will I really be happier when it finally does? 

Before we part ways after a short few days, we gave each other a very simple yet meaningful gift. Here is my picture of her holding that gift.


5 Apr 2014

Life of a sailor's wife

Two months ago, I took a trip to the northernmost city in the world - Reykjavik, Iceland. That trip changed my life in many different ways - metaphorically and literally. It changes my perspectives and upon return to London, I discovered I lost someone important in my life. I wasn't happy about the lost but in retrospect, I saw that coming.

I was inspired by the life of a sailor's wife. I visited the Icelandic Maritime Museum and spent some time reading stories and interviews from all those sailors and fishermen's family.

It is a long distance relationship in its glory. 

These fishermen were away months even years at a time. This was during the 40s or 50s but these wives are as modern as you and I. They would find ways to keep the household afloat when their husbands are away. To some of the kids, their fathers are like Santa Claus - bearing gifts every year when he visited. The upbringing and character-shaping are entirely up to the wives. What's more heartbreaking, some of them started their married life apart and ended it that way.

As a kid, I had a taste of what its like to have an absent parent. No, my parents aren't divorce. My dad was required to work in another city in the country. He constantly travels to work and will only be back on the weekends. It lasted for about 2 years cumulatively. It was a time where the internet is not fast enough to be able to have a conversation via Skype or Facetime, heck my dad doesn't even own a mobile phone back then. Our only means of communication is that 15 minutes window where my dad would call home and all of us would gather around the phone, taking turns to talk to him.

I remembered every Sunday night I would stand by his car and say goodbye, wishing he doesn't have to go. I was about 12 / 13 years old. He always said goodbye to all of us and gave a kiss on the cheek but he always add an extra sentence after he gave me a kiss - "take care of mum." But I always know that come next Friday he would be back. I count my blessings that I will always see him by the end of the week. I can't even start to imagine how difficult it is if he were to leave for months and months.

Fast forward 5 / 6 years, it was my turn to leave. This time it was for months. I attended university in England, a country so far away that I can't travel back home every weekend. I could never understand how hard it is for my parents to see me go. Now I could. It wasn't that much different from how I was feeling when I wave goodbye to my dad a decade ago.

Long distance relationships. I was in a few. Everyone is. My father was in a long distance relationship with his family for 2 years. I am currently having one with my family. I was in one with 2 former boyfriends for a better half of our courtship. I am now having long distance relationships with 2 of my dearest friends. In this time and day, if you have friends from a different country or had moved to another country, you are in a long distance relationship.

I tried putting myself in the wives' shoes, I can't. Its not that I can't do it, I can't even imagine me doing it. I talked to my father on the reason why he quit being in the air force ( a career he was pursuing since he was 17), he told me he couldn't put his wife and his kids through what a lot of soldiers put their family through.

Long distance relationship brings patience and compromise to a whole new level. It is a short-cut way of knowing what the other person means to you. This is precisely why it is one of the toughest tests on a relationship.

2 Apr 2014

5 Stages of Grief - Stage FIVE: Acceptance


In the fine art of emotions,
Acceptance is the kindest of the finest.
She realises that she cannot repeat the glorious past.

Acceptance brings her closure.
Understanding moments in life are never repeated.
Learning to enjoy every passing moments.

She starts reattaching broken pieces that were once her heart,
piece by piece, fragment by fragment;
Slow but surely.

Accepting the cold hard truth.
The loved one that was once a stranger,
Is now embarking on the journey again.

Destination? Stranger once again.