Written while Drunk on Thoughts

30 Dec 2014

Human Connection

Young Melissa likes people to like her, I remembered I was told by a friend that she knew someone I know doesn't like me, I did not stop bugging her to let me know who that someone was for days. Dislike is a harsh word. I like to see it as INCOMPATIBLE. Both of you are either compatible, where there's a connection either verbally or non-verbal OR both of you are not compatible. Simple as. No matter how hard you tried to connect, the wave length is just not syncing.

Thing is, it should be that way. We would be way too busy if everyone are able to connect with everyone. I'll let you in a secret, not a single individual on earth are able to connect with everyone, if you think you can, you are just lying to yourself. Its impossible.

And this makes the people you can connect with, extremely precious. Truth be told, there aren't that many. Mixing in the uncertain elements in life, its downright scarce. I myself have a handful of friends that I could talk to about anything. Every conversation is like a fun lesson. But it is not easy trying to keep that up but good thing doesn't come easy, no?

Recently, I caught up with a friend after a few months. Boy was that conversation a pain in the beginning. Our wave length is so out of sync that I struggle to find the connection we once had. The first 30 minutes are mainly made up with "I don't understand(s). Speak English please. What(s)?" But 30 minutes into the conversation and a little help from wine, there we are again. Conversation flows , silent moments aren't at all awkward. Best part of all are the friendly matches of sarcastic comments.

Of all the wise inspirational BS that were said, this one left a rather impressionable mark on me.
"Everyone need at least another individual, every single human being need to connect with another human being. This is why social media is so addicting. Unfortunately, that came with a downside, we are too busy focusing on connecting with the world we forgot the person sitting right in front of us."
See, I knew this all along but it seem so much wiser coming from that friend of mine. I am very fortunate to know people from all around the world and that means I rely on social media a lot to keep in touch with most of them. Snail mail takes too long. And sometimes life does slipped in and come between me and them. But I believe that if the connection is there, all we have to do is just pick up where we left off. And it will always seems like no time had passed.

26 Dec 2014

Ghost of Christmas Present or Last Year's future

A Christmas filled with wishes, laughter and warmth. This Christmas may not be ideal in the slightest but it still is the best Christmas thus far. 

Thank you for the surprise package. 
Thank you for the texts. 
Thank you for the calls. 

I love you all. 

25 Dec 2014


17 Dec 2014

One Day

Seems like the theme of my blog as of late is "Appreciate! Appreciate! Appreciate!". So, might as well continue the streak of appreciation and write something on the romantic novel "One Day". Its  a slightly older "The Fault in Our Stars" but without the illness, death does play a part in this story as well but the 2 characters , Emma & Dexter, had 18 years more than Hazel & Augustus. Not so star-crossed more like both are being idiots not going after someone they knew they wanted all along.

*Spoiler ahead!*

The story started on their undergrad graduation day. The book is essentially describing the lives of Emma & Dexter for that ONE DAY every year for the next 18 years. Its rather predictable. Boy likes girl, girl really likes boy. Life intervene. Didn't get together until 15 years later. Girl dies shortly after.

The story begs the reader to appreciate while sending the message that "What's yours will never go away with time." Although it is a rather cheesy story line, it does serve its purpose on being a constant reminder of living in the present and of course, appreciate. It hits the hearts of many as anyone would have that near missed in romantic love. To me that is not the only reason, it is set around UK: Edinburgh, London, Oxfordshire, and those British reference, London streets, London pubs.

Am not going to lie, tears threaten to shed when I read the letter from Dexter to a deceased Emma, after what seemed like a lifetime of denying the tension and passion with each other, just to get together after all those heartbreaks to have Emma taken away by a car accident. And I am a toughie that only cried once in my reading life.

While this is a sappy love story, I think its quite a good read during this festive season when patience may run thin while busy hustling and bustling over holidays preparation. Or if you are a closet hopeless romantic like me.

8 Nov 2014

Once in a while, its good to look back

Remember that many times that I walked past London Eye and squeezed past the never ending tourist onto Westminster Bridge, hoping to get out of the crowd immediately. All I could think of is walking as fast as my legs are able to and as swift as my human-avoiding skill allows me to, never really stopped to admire the glorious House of Parliament, headed straight past Parliament Square just to get to the bus stop as fast as I could. Today, it dawned to me that I might have had looked up once in a while and stole glances of the House of Parliament and Big Ben, scanned through the square to see any interesting protest is going on there. But I never once turn my head at look back to where I come from.

The past should stay in the past for many reasons, my favourite one is "Why dwell on it when you can do nothing about it?" But yet I find myself thinking about it from time to time. Sometimes I wished things could be different, sometimes I wonder will I be thinking about other options if I were to make my decisions differently, sometimes I am glad that I followed the route I am on right now.

Most of the time, I shake my head and shrug it off, reminding myself" There is no point, no amount of thinking will make things different." But there are times that I find myself smiling or even grinning stupidly to myself. My decisions led me to what I am today and even though circumstances could be better than it is now, I will never change the way I did things."

Never look back, unless its to see how far you've come. The past may be an ugly mess, heck, the present may be an even messier time but *lets pull out the cliche* c'est la Vie. Messier life are more fun anyway. So to every mistake I made, thank you for teaching me a lesson. For every person that came in my life, thank you for helping me grow. For everyone that left, thank you for helping me realise sometime in life I have to just "let it be". For each and everyone that stayed, thank you for staying and I love you all.

5 Nov 2014


La Vie En Rose

Des yeux qui font baisser les miens

Un rire qui se perd sur sa bouche

Voilà le portrait sans retouche

De l’homme auquel j’appartiens

Quand il me prend dans ses bras

Il me parle tout bas

Je vois la vie en rose

Il me dit des mots d’amour

Des mots de tous les jours

Et ça me fait quelque chose

Il est entré dans mon coeur

Une part de bonheur

Dont je connais la cause

C’est lui pour moi, moi pour lui dans la vie

Il me l’a dit, l’a juré pour la vie

Et dès que je l’aperçois

Alors je sens en moi

Mon coeur qui bat

Des nuits d’amour à plus finir

Un grand bonheur qui prend sa place

Les ennuis, les chagrins s’effacent

Heureux, heureux à en mourir

Quand il me prend dans ses bras

Il me parle tout bas

Je vois la vie en rose

Il me dit des mots d’amour

Des mots de tous les jours

Et ça me fait quelque chose

Il est entré dans mon coeur

Une part de bonheur

Dont je connais la cause

C’est toi pour moi, moi pour lui dans la vie

Il me l’a dit, l’a juré pour la vie

Et dès que je l’aperçois

Alors je sens en moi

Mon coeur qui bat

I could probably translate a total of 10 words from French to English, so I looked for a proper translation online. There are plenty of translations for this song as languages are not meant to be translated literally. I've looked through a few and this particular one is beautifully translated.

With eyes which make mine lower,

A smile which is lost on his lips,

That's the unembellished portrait

Of the man to whom I belong.

When he takes me in his arms

He speaks to me in a low voice,

I see life as if it were rose-tinted.

He whispers words to declare to me his love

Words of the everyday

And that does something to me.

He has entered into my heart

A piece of happiness

the cause of which I know full well.

It's him for me, me for him in life

He said that to me, swore to me "forever".

And as soon as I see him

So I feel in me

My heart which beats

May the nights on which we make love never end,

A great joy which takes its place

The trouble, the grief are removed

Content, content to die of it

When he takes me in his arms

He speaks to me in a very low voice,

I see life as if it were rose-tinted.

He whispers words to declare to me his love

Words of the everyday

And that does something to me.

He has entered into my heart

A piece of happiness

the cause of which I recognise.

It's him for me, me for him in life

He said that to me, swore to me forever.

And as soon as I see him

So do I feel in me

My heart which beats

Taken from http://lyricstranslate.com/en/la-vie-en-rose-la-vie-en-rose.html-2#ixzz3Ha0tYWP2

17 Oct 2014

Love LOCK-ED, an Oxymoron

Ponts des Arts, Hohenzollern Bridge,Västerbron and closer to home, that bridge atop Penang Hill. What do they have in common? Yes, Love LOCKS.


Love LOCKS......ahhh, the ultimate, no-going-back, forever locked together romantic gesture. *Technically can be forcefully removed, but that is cheating* Personally, I have this kind of commitment issue. Sure, it is very romantic but what if shit happened and you are no longer with the person you are "locked" together with? What if you despise this person so much that the thought of having a lock inscribed with both your names forever locked together makes you wish you did rather die? *Drama Queen*  Perhaps I am thinking too negatively and think that this whole idea is as much of a gimmick as Valentine's day. 

Don't get me wrong, for someone that doesn't believe in this grand gesture of love, I did spent a very long time reading what was written on the locks. Some are downright sweet, some disgustingly cheesy. Some locks are put on there by new young couples, some by old long-term couples; declaring their undying love to each other. I am still very much a hopeless romantic but the idea that a lock is needed to secure the love I share with the special someone just defeated what LOVE is supposed to be.

Love is "suppose" to be a selfless act. Cliché saying - "If you love that person, you should wish him / her all the best, even if that means watching her loving someone else". Love doesn't require or involve a lock. Ultimately, what is yours, will be; what is not, will never be - with or without a lock. 

11 Oct 2014

You went too far

Did I?

Sticking to the CHANGE topic. People change. ALL THE TIME. Every decision made make you a different person prior that decision. Every single experience will change you no others will. I recently caught up with an old friend. We spent the night drinking and sharing our own experiences throughout the years. Both of us came to a conclusion, we were both told that we went too far off, because our values differ from those that made the remarks. We were no longer the same person we used to when we were running around in the school's playground. We both were told that we did not follow "The Plan", we decided to divert and that is what separated us with our peers. This is how this came to be....

Initially, I apologised for diverting and I tried to reassure my past that I am still the same girl, just with different values. I still aspire to be happy and the only difference is what makes me happy now are not the same as what makes me happy previously. Slowly, I started to realise that those that are genuinely happy for me will remain, try to understand that everyone has their own way. Undoubtedly, some of my choices and decisions are not convention and expected of, and to some extend, from my personal experience, slightly out of the usual comfort zone. But as long as I did not hurt anyone and myself in the process, these shouldn't matter, right?

Even though it pains me to be separated by our beliefs,  I accepted the horrible reality that not everyone is meant to be in my life. "As life is like a bus ride, some may enter to stay with you throughout the journey, some take off & leave. You know who matter" Words of a wise, Pretty Girl. Those that wants to remain in your life will always make an effort to. The sad truth is, just like how changes will happen in everyone's life, at one point or another, life circumstances force people to change. But on the bright side, I get new chances of getting to know new people all over again.

The best kind of relationship evolves as the two people involved in it evolves together. We are no longer the chubby young kids anymore, why stick to the values that we had when we thought Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory is real? Allow yourself to accept life changes and the very fact that people change. That being said, I am still keeping my "You can't have too much chocolate" belief.

29 Sep 2014

What's important is you are going...

Changes. Daunting isn't it? Human are wired to get used to things, another human being, materials; we are wired to get attached to what's familiar. The sheer thought of changes would make us feel uncomfortable. I know certain changes literally make me want to crawl into bed, under the cover and never want to face reality.

I tend to forget that while changes may seem scary but it will bring positive impact to your life. Perhaps the impact won't be immediate, sometimes not even obvious but it will always turn out to be how it was meant to be. One major problem of CHANGOPHOBIA is human associate change with leaving the comfort zone and that is synonym with bad.

Yes, it is scary and you will get lost at first. So lost that you are not sure what you wanted and everywhere you turn, you don't seem to belong; so lost that your inner peace no longer serve its intended purpose; so lost that you seemed like a spirit, watching your helpless self struggle to make sense of everything. Your heart break into a billion pieces and nothing seem right nor will it be right.

The sad news is everyone went through the same thing one time or another, one change or multiple changes (at the same time) seem like an invisible hand that grab hold of your whole world and shake it like a snow globe. What's different with your life and a snow globe is nothing in your life is glued down. The life as you know it seemed like a dream and that change just bursted your dream bubble.

Now all you are left with is a raw version of yourself. It may come as a shock but the good thing about changes are you get to re-invent yourself, you get to evolve. Change serves as a reset button and what happens after the change is entirely up to you.

So, grab hold of change's horn and make the most out of it. There are days when it gets tough and this is when you have to tell yourself - " Just keep going, you have to keep going, going where? It doesn't matter. What's important is you are going. Eventually it will get better."

I had been stuck in the same rut for the past year, a rut that was initially a change that I welcomed. Even though I took it as a life experience, frankly I doubted myself every single day. I kept asking questions similar to " When is it going to be different?" Things are especially hard when I felt completely useless not contributing to the society that I imagined I would be. One thing that kept me sane is the same mantra I tell myself everyday, I have to keep going; keep doing things that I am passionate about. I write and write, I travelled then I write, I meet new people who are inspiration to my writing. I invested my time online writing this blog and writing offline. I signed up a new language course to widen my language skill and also to improve on my English.

All I need was a change to break the routine. I got my changes. I am now a contributing member of this society. And guess what? Deep down, I don't want things to change. Classic human. Here I am, not happy about the rut I am in but the change that life provided, I am not too thrilled about it either. All because I am too comfortable in my comfortable-sweatpants mode.

Of course I changed into my equally comfortable jeans, accepted the change and say yes to everything. I am now still getting used to the changes but I've learned a lesson, when things are getting slightly routine, it is time to grab hold that snow globe of a life and give it a good shake. Don't forget that the sun has to set for it to rise again.

17 Sep 2014

The Perfect LOVE story

Its the classic story of Boy meets girl, Girl meets boy; Boy like girl, Girl is smitten with boy; one of them had to leave, leaving both with an empty feeling and hearts aching for answers, aching for each other.

The time together are precious as there is no time for nonsense. Chemistry is strong and passion is present. Attraction come hand-in-hand with lust. Oxytocin filled the days, endorphin rule the nights. Both drowned in a high better than drugs. The strong urge to validate all these emotions by getting in a relationship, to find out the compatibility.

Yes, all these could continue and turn into something very solid. While there are extreme positive in an uncertainty, there are also extreme negative as well. Though that doesn't stop us from dreaming how great things will be. Life is only as good as the dreams are, isn't it? Its the perfect LOVE story, with the right amount of affection, drama and tears. It is afterall a very popular plot in all romantic stories.

The future seems so bright and promising but it too seems very fragile and so out-of-reach. Doubts are often accompanied by hopes. Will things fizzle out or will it go stronger as the day passes? Questions after questions popping up, hurting the mind and pains the heart.

In this "Perfect Love Story", I've learned the not-so-perfect me and the perfectly imperfect you. We both had a past that fits into each other, sharing empathy for each other after showing each other our side of the painful experience. You gave me a hug and said "You are forgiven.", in your arms I found comfort, I found forgiveness, I found closure. From my words, you believe that you are able to take the first step away from your previous betrayal.

We may be placed in each other's life to love each other or we may be there just to help each other. But no matter what the Spaghetti monster has in store for us, I want you to know that I will love you and you have a huge place in my heart.

5 Sep 2014


He who binds himself to a joy
Does the wingèd life destroy ;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise.
-William Blake-

Celui qui veut conquérir la joie,
Malgré lui, la brisera ;
Celui qui, quand elle passe, sait doucement l'embrasser
Pourra toute sa vie en profiter.
Credit: http://www.babelio.com/auteur/William-Blake/2708/citations

1 Sep 2014

Food, Hair Flips and more Food

One of the many perks of having your best friend living in a different country? You always have a valid reason to visit that city. This year, for my birthday I decided on a spontaneous trip to Bangkok. This is probably the most spontaneous trip I had thus far. Planning, research and execution took less than 12 hours. I wasn't that interested in getting to know Bangkok through the many sights and great temples Bangkok has to offer, I am more interested in spending those few days just being with her. Its like London all over again but with warm weather and a car.

There are lots of food involved. MANGO. GLUTINOUS RICE. INTERNAL ORGANS. CAKE. FRENCH TOAST. WINE. FISH CAKES. COCONUT. FRÜH. COFFEE. Did I mentioned that I devoured 2 entire mangoes by myself? I am born to live in Thailand.


The high quality photo taking. If Pretty Girl claimed to be the Candid-Photo-Queen, no one could beat her. She always managed to take my best (back) side. 

My takeaway from this trip? Great snacks, yet another great memory with Pretty Girl and this lesson - "The best things that happened in our lives are never planned."

26 Aug 2014

Best Supporting Role in Life

We are liken the opposite polarity in a magnet. Yet, you will always find us in one. She is North and I am South. She is tall and I am "petite". She lives north to where I do. Introducing my other half of the magnet and this is our story.

Just like any pair of humans, we have a story to tell. We met in a cold, rainy but wonderful city called London. Both strangers to the city trying to make sense of how people live in such gloomy and wet city and still absolutely love it. It was an October evening, 2012. It was then our love story started and the rest was history.

Actually, NO. We remained acquaintances for a better part of the time we were roommates, both busy with our lives and didn't cross paths until late May the following year. I'll be honest, it started with a boy, lots of food and then followed by another boy and another (2 out of 3 is mine :p). She went through it with me, no matter where we both were. Now, none of those mentioned boys play a major role in our lives and here we are, closer than ever.

Our relationship had evolved to a level that in almost every experience I shared, it involves "my best friend in Thailand". Yes, I am that annoying and she is that influencing. We are so different but we found a connection between us. We did not share a lot of beliefs and principles but we did not judge the other for making choices that the other wouldn't. It wasn't the easiest having to compromise but its all part of the "perfect" relationship. A "perfect" relationship that is full of flaws and requires a lot of effort. A relationship that we both are willing to work towards.

We did not live in the same city but yet we managed to see each other every 3 or 4 months and this time round, I flew myself to Bangkok to see her. When we do, it was as if no time had passed. This is my perfect long distance relationship. *If only I could actually put my effort into other relationships.*

True friend isn't being inseparable, true friend is being separated and nothing changes.

From London to Cologne, from Berlin to Bangkok. NOTHING changes. 

I miss you...

22 Aug 2014

What if?

Credit: http://connie-stillbelieve.blogspot.com/2013/08/georgetown-penang-street-art-mural.html
Heartbreaks are inevitable. It happens everywhere, anywhere, anytime and for various of reasons. Your heart breaks when someone broke it, when you don't get what you really wanted and worked hard for. Your heart breaks when a loved one left you, willingly or not. We are all humans and one serious blessing that humans have is emotion.
My heart breaks when I knew I am separating with a good friend, even though what really separates us are just earth distance and potentially, life.
My heart breaks the most when I know no one is at fault.
My heart breaks when an important and constant element of my life, even for a tiny while, was taken away from me.
My heart breaks when I lose something that wasn't mine at the first place. 
I believe lots of people are no stranger to what I was and am going through. The apparent and cruel uncertain situation that we are in definitely added some much needed mystery in life. There are a much bigger picture to consider and most of the time, humans are haunt by the deadly questions of "What ifs?" The wonderful scenario that only exist in your dream and That ideal life that only come to life when you are not conscious.

Yes, I am an advocate of "you attract what you wanted the most", I had proven myself wrong a dozen of times. But sometimes these said emotion get the better of me and I lost the strength that I had been accumulating to face these uncertainties in seconds.

But I also remember the thousand of times that I was reminded that the Spaghetti Monster has a funny way of sorting things out. The friend you never thought you would see again? You saw him twice in a span of 5 months or He suddenly told you he will be moving to a city near you. The person that was never in your circle of friends and thought you will never come across? Bam! You met her and she became one of your closest friend. The person you thought is going to be family? Nope, just a passerby in your very own story.

I do have my own set of thoughts and opinions. It was drastically different than what it was just a year ago and I am sure it will be different next month. All I can do is try my best to be a better me and hope for the best. The sole reason as to why 2 people would be in the same city in precisely the same time for years but never crossed path did when they happened to be in another city is a simple one: The time is not right. Then when you finally did met and had a great connection just to find out the interaction is a short-lived one? Again, the time might not be right or both of you are just not right for each other and the Spaghetti Monster is trying to spare you a larger pain than the one you are experiencing now.

Its a cliché but EVERYTHING DO HAPPEN FOR A REASON. Most of the time, hindsight and retrospective that have the perfect vision. The reason as to why bad things has to happen to you are actually probably blessing in disguise. And when you finally have something, you learned to appreciate it.

I'd like to think of pain as a mentor, teaching us all the life lessons that we are ought to learn. Because what is a better teacher than heart-wrenching and soul crushing pain? Remember that pain is TEMPORARY but what you learned is PERMANENT. After the lesson, pick up the pieces, stitch it up and continue learning.

17 Aug 2014


Something I was blessed with. I trust easily. Stranger Danger are usually a foreign concept to me. 

But face it, this is exactly how putting trust on someone will look like. Vulnerable

Bestie told me I trust too easy. I'd like to think I have a superpower that enables me to know who to trust.

Unfortunately, I did not. I placed my trust on someone that I shouldn't and since then I lost my ability to trust. I still trust my family and friends but I no longer trust someone enough to make them my Partner in Crime. 

I am now aching to be able to trust again because I have met my Spongebob. 

15 Aug 2014

To Burn or not to Burn

I am a Malaysian. We don't burn. We have sun shining on our backs just about everyday in a year. Sure, there are cloudy and rainy days but just about 90% of the time, we have the sun. That makes majority of us dislike the sun. But I love it.

I love the warmth, I love how happy people are when the sun is out. I am a sun convert, any opportunity that calls out to me, I will be there, armed with my trusty H&M bikini and my sunglasses. YES, you heard it right, I don't do sunscreen.

Before throwing the nagging and advices regarding how bad sun is for the skin, I know it, I know it all. But because I am in favour of the tan look, I tried to skip sunscreen as much as I can. Irrational and illogical thinking because sunscreen doesn't actually prevent you from being tan.

So, I went on an adventure that basically consist of eating, drinking and lying under the sun for hours on end WITHOUT sunscreen. Day 1 doesn't do much harm on me, then comes Day 2. I fell asleep on the beach after being up the entire night. It took me 5 hours sleep under the sun around noon. I left the beach completely burnt and in slight pain.

I am almost 90% done here. 

The worse has yet to come. I went back to the hotel for a shower. The shower stings. It stings so bad that putting on clothes seems like a torture and I look like a lobster. I learnt my lesson there and then. I just officially wrecked my largest organ. I had to make do with the only lotion I have with me and endure the pain all the way back home before I could steal some Aloe Vera from the garden to slather on my well-done body.  

I want to avoid using store bought Aloe Vera for the first few time, so I googled and came up with a few home remedies to treat sunburn. Most of the ingredients are readily available in the kitchen, except probably an Aloe plant.

Treatment 1:
1. Few stalks of the fattest Aloe leaves
2. Honey

What to do?
1. Carefully wash the Aloe leaves and sliced them into half
2. Scoop or scrap the gooey center into a bowl
3. Add Honey
4. Slather it all over burnt area

Tips: Store the Aloe in the fridge, the cooling touch will feel great on your burnt skin.

Aloe is meant to calm the sensitive area down and honey acts as a soothing anti-inflammatory.

Treatment 2:
1. Milk
2. Oats

What to do?
1. Run a room temperature water (about 20c)
2. Pour milk into water (I don't have an exact measurement, as long as the water isn't clear)
3. Add in some oats (Also just eyeballing the amount)

Tips: You might want to put the oats in a muslin cloth and tie it up to avoid messy cleanup after.

Milk contribute to the soothing element and oats are great for providing some moisture into sensitive skin.

I soaked myself in the bath for about 30 minutes and slathered myself with the Aloe mixture every now and then. My proper "spa" treatment in years. My skin stings much less after the bath but I made sure I slather on Aloe every hour or so. Not only the Aloe help lessen the warm pulsating sensation the skin felt, it did wonder on the skin, the pain went away after a day. Lesson learned? I will always always always have sunblock on AND I am staying away from the beach for a while now.


Bonus: I now have a great golden tan and a pre-6 packs.

9 Aug 2014

Pending Love

Another person, another city, another Goodbye. It doesn't get any easier, in the midst of all the crying and questions, it dawned to me - I didn't want permanence, not yet. I am not willing to commit when all I could think of is to keep exploring the world. Though sometimes, life throw some obstacles and made me think twice every now and then, my mind never sway far from the adventures I could have had. Thanks for making a rather mundane duration of my life worth getting excited for. Thanks for helping me realised what I deserve. Thanks for being an important person in my adventures, 外星人. To the exchange of many future cheesy articles.

Pending Love

The day we met
Fresh out of the love battle
Refused to get back in the very same battle

We are both from different planets.
Both stars,
travelling in search of our perfect match.

I found you at an unexpected collusion.
A collusion that burns.
A collusion which flame never goes out.

We did not shatter from the collusion.
We fused together
And made a unique star
so beautiful that millions admire.

The journey to earth isn't an easy one.
Together we fight our way through,
enduring the burning, piercing pain.

The burn worn us out.
The burn exhaust us.
But we kept trying,
fighting to stay together.

There's an old cliché: Everything good has to come to an end.
But we are not clichés.
We are the love that is pending.
Piercing through all elements of time and space.

- Melissa 

22 Jul 2014

To My Future Self

Credit: SKII Malaysia Youtube

This video is on the investment that every woman should made for the sake of their looks. But the message I got from the clip is a VERY strong message to all of us that want to know what future have waiting for us. Personally I would love to have my future self to talk to. To avoid mistakes. To save me from heartbreaks. To guide me through the fog of life. 

But when I really think about it, I wouldn't want to preview or have a sneak peak of formative years. *Putting the technical causality issue aside - my future self telling me what to do or what not to do would definitely change the course of my life and destroyed the integrity that comes with it* 

Mistakes are accompanied by Lessons.

Heartbreaks are just the downside of Great Memories.

The Uncertainty is there to create Mystery. 

The future that was carefully planned did not work out. The boy I thought I was going to spend the life with turned out to play another role in my life. But hey, the plus side is the gorgeous hunk that I never gave a second thought might find his way in my life. A girl could dream. As Pretty Girl once said - Uncertainty = Probability. 

Yes, I am anxious to know what's next. I CAN'T wait to meet my Life Partner In Crime. I look forward to the day when I look back and laugh at my many mistakes but at the same time realised those mistakes carried me down the path I was supposed to take. 

Check back in a year and see how much has changed. 

16 Jul 2014

Undress Me

This is most probably the most beautiful video clip I ever seen.

12 Jul 2014

Au revoir, mon ami

*I dwelled for a long time whether to write this long ass post as writing it would mean prying my heart open again. But I decided it is for the better so I hereby present Melissa in her most vulnerable form.

Few days ago, I bid goodbye to someone that was so important to me I thought I'd rather die than to live without him in my life. I've also learned that there is no one I can't live without. It was exactly one year ago I was completely infatuated with him. The infatuation grows everyday. I am willing to see past all his flaws (what flaws?), focusing on only the good parts.

As I grew older, I searched for emotional connections. The easiest way is to be able to hold a conversation and talk about everything. From topics that I am an expert to topics that the other person is an expert in, or just topics that we both share the same view or have completely different opinions on it and discuss it in a manner that left both with a brand new perspectives that hadn't previously crossed our minds. There are no topics too trivial or too awkward to talk about. Being able to converse without judgement or competition is what I searched for and is the single thing that I would never compromise in any relationship.

Its a relationship that last. You don't have to have something in common (well not much anyway) with me but you have to have the same level of curiosity as me or even more. We don't have to have the knowledge in the same thing, that way we kept learning from each other.

As the relationship changes, we still managed to maintain the friendship that we had built along the way. I enjoyed his company and our conversation just as much. I decided that no matter what the label is, I would no doubt enjoy having him in my life. It is not the classic negotiation stage in one of the grief stages. It just fell into place. Yes, I've been through the sad phases and had decided that the time has come to store that as a past experience, learn to let go and carry on exploring the future, with him being a good friend.

For about 4 months, my plan went well. I am recovering with the help of friends that endured my theories regarding the demise and those theories range a fair bit. I decided to venture to the outside world alone and had met quite a few people. Some turned into great friends, some were great chats for the night. I am happy with my progress, though once in a while, there are moments of weakness but those moments got shorter and shorter every time and as the day passes, I am sure that our time is up.

Everyday I struggle with the same thought but everyday was power through with positivity weaved in by myself and friends including him. Speaking from someone that is going through a "sort of" tough time (I said "sort of" because those were rather first world problems), I kept my spirits high by focusing on the good and having an open mind. Never saying no to social invitations, trying all kinds of new activities that were previously scary (being slightly cheeky from time to time), exploring new hobbies, went into old abandoned habits. You name it.

Finally, good thoughts paid off. I met a like minded person. It wasn't quite so permanent as I thought, I was shocked to have met someone that I could talk for hours on end on the first few hours we met. We basically covered everything on earth, from arts to commerce, from our views on emotions to exchanging thoughts on how to survive in this world as young (lost) adults.

As the time we had were limited (cue Before Sunrise anyone), we stayed true to ourselves. I love these encounters, these fleeting affairs, I am always more willing to be vulnerable because I knew I never had to see him or her anymore. His subsequent judgments or opinions about me doesn't matter. We stayed up the entire night basically getting to know each other, knowing perfectly well when the sun rises, it was time for him to go (Cinderella or Dracula?).

But life had another plan in mind for us, we found the opportunity to meet up again. Now being entirely sure of what our feelings are towards each other, we did not hold back. We enjoyed every moment like it will be our last. We travelled and boy, I never had been SO spontaneous in my life. The stranger danger alarm went off for 2 seconds but I decided to just take the risk. I am glad I did, I crossed off items on my bucket list that I didn't know was there at the first place. It may be too premature to say that I found the courage to love again but I did. Through a fleeting affair with a stranger nonetheless.

It was the most beautiful thing in the world. Being vulnerable. Part of my fear when the previous relationship changes is that I will never be able to love again and I just proved myself wrong. Of course, where is the fun in this entire story if there isn't another twist that comes in and completely wrecked the integrity of the story?

The (past) friend decided to catch up and do something that completely disappoint me. The disappointment was so intense that I couldn't bare to be his friend anymore. Got to give it to him, he did know how to pick a moment. He lost my respect in the fact that he is able to remain dignified even when life isn't going the way we wanted (he was the one that taught me life won't be what I planned to be, he gave me the courage to weave those fragile positivity in my daily struggle). He wasn't the person I thought he was. Even though he doesn't know it, he chose the time when my courage is on its way to a full recovery. And he chose a time when I am infatuated with someone else. I do not know the reason why he is doing this, but this decision to clear his conscious had burden me with his guilt. That wasn't the person that I came to respect and love.

Some people came in your life for a season, some for a reason. He is the latter and I think he served his purpose.

5 Jul 2014


La vie est pleine de petit surprises.

Life is full of small surprises.

It may not be a permanent one but its always a pleasant one. Enjoy life, appreciate what you have, be happy. 

14 Jun 2014

Confidence with a sprinkle of imagination

The differences between the Western and the Eastern is stark. Actually, the variations are a world different and you don't have to go too far as to compare the East and the West. I would like to think I have both side of the world in me. I am an Anglicised Malaysian Chinese girl who learned English by watching Friends. I am NOT ashamed that I am made up of this mix, where some ingredients were mixed in later than others. No one is made up of only ONE culture, not in the 21st century. But lets face it, one wouldn't stray too far from what he was brought up with. No matter how hard he tried and why would he? Bear in mind everyone embrace their culture in a different way.

I am proud of my heritage and my culture but I love to learn about and from new cultures. Whats odd and weird with our culture might be completely acceptable or even a norm in other culture. The joy of learning a new language just cause. Try it. La vie est plein de petit bonheurs.

A friend once summed it up very well. Eastern culture are more passive compared to Western culture. That is why people from the western side of the world seems much more confident. I was in Singapore once ordering a Sangria to match the glorious hot weather. When the waiter was just about to serve me the drink, he hesitated about his judgement on my age. Now everyone that knows me know I look slightly younger than I am suppose to be. Mainly due to my "petite" frame. I "confidently" told him I am not underage and he paid me the first compliment I got in the department - He said I am confident.

Again, if you know me, confident is never included in the many adjectives used to describe me. Cute, yes; tiny, of course; interesting (maybe a better world for eccentric), sure. Never positive adjectives on my character. Dom told me to be more assertive and more confident all the time. Even the 6 year old girl told me to "be more sure about what you want". Apparently I am now confident enough. At least at the eastern side of the world.

Why is that so? I claimed to be fairly confident in anything I am doing or tried to do. But more than often when I describe my dreams and ambitions to someone; friends or family, I was immediately given responses that runs along the line of "That only happens in the movies or Things doesn't happen just like that or Do you think its that easy?" Now repeat that about a dozen hundred times and you will start to doubt whatever confidence you have in yourself.

Guess what? Movie plots might be farfetch but stories come from somewhere and most of the time, it was inspired by real life people with real life stories. Sure, it was dramatised for entertainment purposes but it did happen. A thought had bugged me from time to time - Why is there no middle ground in life? I used to led a rather peaceful life and had been dreaming for some extra "oomph" in my life only to had my life turned upside down by the so-called "drama". Which one do you want more?

I chose to stick with the topsy-turvy life for now while I am young and strong enough to handle that shit. That helped me built confidence, be more assertive and just plain do not afraid to ask for what I want in life. It might be farfetch, it might be crazy. But I am my own living proof that even though sometimes things doesn't work out, sometimes things does, often in a most unpredictable way, and sometimes all I need is a little (I mean A LOT) patience.

10 Jun 2014

Take my word for it

Learn to live, then learn to laugh before you learn to love.
Not many do, they just like to think they do. 

To Live
Is not to let any fear, any reason or any excuse or any doubt hinder from what you really want to do. 
It may not be the easiest or the most pleasant way to achieve, it is the most meaningful way.

To Laugh
The ability to find the good out of everything and laugh about it.
The same old cliché: Everything happened for a reason. I call it Blessing in Disguise.

To Love
Find passion in whatever you do. 

Say what you mean, mean what you say.
I am guilty of not doing that to almost everyone in the past. Witnessing that being done to me first hand changed my mind. 

I say what I mean; never just to please or to defile.

1 Jun 2014

Berlin, You stole what's left of my heart!


I never thought I would love you the way I do. After deciding that giving my precious heart to a city is perhaps a better idea than giving it to a human being, London had completely stole a better part of my heart. But I bumped Amsterdam to 4th place after I paid you a visit. You are like tartar / Mettbrötchen (raw minced beef on bread roll). I didn't know what I missed until I tried it. One serving is never enough, and the more I am "denied", the more addicted I am to you.

You are so full of flavour. You have the charm of a mature man and the energy of a young man barely out of his teenagehood. While London is the steady mature gentleman that I love, I am a young girl afterall, occasionally looking for excitement that London could not provide. And a self-proclaimed French girl, your French side is just the cherry on top of that delicious cake.

Taking Berlin in is just like having a slice of cheesecake with Gin & Tonic (Gosh, I love G&T); the thick creamy goodness resemble the history and G&T is zesty refreshing, just like the artsy fartsy side of Berlin.

One might think of you as the hipster haven. True, you are slightly too hipster for my liking. No help that for the entire 3 days I stayed at the marvelous Generator Berlin Mitte, wonderfully hipster and wonderfully energetic not to mention smack in the middle of party central. But if you take in all the history going back to World War I then World War II, Berlin is not as young as one perceived. Heck, it is older than my own country.

As a child growing up in a relatively young country, I did not have the luxury or the time to read up on World Wars in a wider scale. Generally history lessons are country-focused and as the first born of a Royal Malaysian Air Force Captain, I was exposed to quite some military stories. It wasn't as interested or as gruesome as some war stories but it was enough to get me interested in the nitty gritty details of wars. Everyone has their side of the story and Berlin, you are no exception.

You have your dark military past and your very colourful future. I fell in love with this marvelous combination because just like life, you are a mixture of important, yet often forgotten, past and bright, promising future. And I fell in love with you, exactly for that reason.