Love LOCK-ED, an Oxymoron

Ponts des Arts, Hohenzollern Bridge,Västerbron and closer to home, that bridge atop Penang Hill. What do they have in common? Yes, Love LOCKS.

http://www.kellypurkey.com/its_me_kp/2014/06/paris-pont-des-arts.html

Love LOCKS......ahhh, the ultimate, no-going-back, forever locked together romantic gesture. *Technically can be forcefully removed, but that is cheating* Personally, I have this kind of commitment issue. Sure, it is very romantic but what if shit happened and you are no longer with the person you are "locked" together with? What if you despise this person so much that the thought of having a lock inscribed with both your names forever locked together makes you wish you did rather die? *Drama Queen*  Perhaps I am thinking too negatively and think that this whole idea is as much of a gimmick as Valentine's day. 

Don't get me wrong, for someone that doesn't believe in this grand gesture of love, I did spent a very long time reading what was written on the locks. Some are downright sweet, some disgustingly cheesy. Some locks are put on there by new young couples, some by old long-term couples; declaring their undying love to each other. I am still very much a hopeless romantic but the idea that a lock is needed to secure the love I share with the special someone just defeated what LOVE is supposed to be.

Love is "suppose" to be a selfless act. Cliché saying - "If you love that person, you should wish him / her all the best, even if that means watching her loving someone else". Love doesn't require or involve a lock. Ultimately, what is yours, will be; what is not, will never be - with or without a lock. 

The Perfect LOVE story

Its the classic story of Boy meets girl, Girl meets boy; Boy like girl, Girl is smitten with boy; one of them had to leave, leaving both with an empty feeling and hearts aching for answers, aching for each other.

The time together are precious as there is no time for nonsense. Chemistry is strong and passion is present. Attraction come hand-in-hand with lust. Oxytocin filled the days, endorphin rule the nights. Both drowned in a high better than drugs. The strong urge to validate all these emotions by getting in a relationship, to find out the compatibility.

Yes, all these could continue and turn into something very solid. While there are extreme positive in an uncertainty, there are also extreme negative as well. Though that doesn't stop us from dreaming how great things will be. Life is only as good as the dreams are, isn't it? Its the perfect LOVE story, with the right amount of affection, drama and tears. It is afterall a very popular plot in all romantic stories.

The future seems so bright and promising but it too seems very fragile and so out-of-reach. Doubts are often accompanied by hopes. Will things fizzle out or will it go stronger as the day passes? Questions after questions popping up, hurting the mind and pains the heart.

In this "Perfect Love Story", I've learned the not-so-perfect me and the perfectly imperfect you. We both had a past that fits into each other, sharing empathy for each other after showing each other our side of the painful experience. You gave me a hug and said "You are forgiven.", in your arms I found comfort, I found forgiveness, I found closure. From my words, you believe that you are able to take the first step away from your previous betrayal.

We may be placed in each other's life to love each other or we may be there just to help each other. But no matter what the Spaghetti monster has in store for us, I want you to know that I will love you and you have a huge place in my heart.

Falling in Love

Few months ago, I was asked this question: "How do you know when you are in love?" At that moment, I dug deep in my brain and in my heart, first searching for my definition of love then attempt to answer the question in the most accurate and concise manner. All I got is "Erm...I don't know....maybe...erm....you just know. I don't know, please don't ask me that question."

Obviously, my friend looked at me with a blank, confused face. But I know what was in her mind - "And you claimed to be an expert in love. Pftt!!"

Movies always tell us that "Love" is something you give out unconditionally, you don't have a reason as to why you are doing it, you just do. Movies also tell us that "Falling in love" is an act that you do subconsciously. There is a conflict there. If you do it without knowing consciously, how do you know you have done it?

Yesterday, the same friend sent me this clip from Before Sunset and along with the scene she sent me a written version of what the heroine Celine said in the movie.

Source:http://31.media.tumblr.com/a8ffabee0e231fc38d39126ddf9f7bb2/tumblr_mq3r1gitRQ1r9a9jho1_500.gif

Celine: You know I'm happy you are saying that, I mean I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like... (snap her fingers) ...this! You know. People just have an affair or even entire relationships. They break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed a brand of Cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person have their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost. Each relationship, when it ends, really damages me. I never really recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved because it hurts me too much... or even getting laid, I actually don't do that. I will miss of the person the most mundane things. Like I'm obsessed with little things. Maybe I'm crazy... When I was a little girl, my mom told me that I was always late to school. One day she followed me to see why. I was looking at chestnuts falling from the trees and rolling on the sidewalk, or ants crossing the road, the way a leaf casts a shadow on a tree trunk. Little things. I think it's the same with people. I see in them little details, so specific to each of them, that move me, that I miss, and will always miss. You can never replace anyone because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details.

So, falling in love is noticing specific details of someone? If you ask 10 people the question what is Love, you will probably get at least 10 different versions of answer. Some will tell you its unconditionally, while others disagree. Some will tell you its something magical, while others will tell you its logical. Some will say "Love is unlimited" while others will tell you "I don't believe in Love".

Frankly, I still don't have the "correct" answer yet because the feeling that I thought was "in love" turns out to be "confused". But for now, my answer is "Being in love is feeling content and happy with your current situation with that someone" Be its with family or with a stranger that could potentially be your family, if you are content and happy with him or her or it, you are in love.

A letter to a past love & a bit more

I am sure most of you are familiar with letters that people, even famous people, wrote to themselves, more accurately themselves when they are 16 years old. As I am just 23 years old, I find that writing a letter to the 16 year old me seems abit too soon. Maybe when I am 66, then I will write that letter. For now, I would like to write a letter to a past love, a love I thought I would have forever but didn't, a love that will always be in a small corner of my heart.

You taught me that there is more than love out there and relationship between 2 person is more than just love, it is about trust (which never seem to exist in between us), it is about compatibility, it is about location, it is about timing & it is most importantly about tolerance. You see why it is so difficult for a perfect love to come by. You need so many different ingredients to make it perfect.

I was young & quite naive. I used to think that none of that matters, as long as we are in love with each other, we are good. I too realised that just because you survived a long distance relationship (alot doesn't seem to pass this test), you would be perfect for each other & finally getting back together would make things all fairy tale & happily ever after. When I first go home for good, I was excited to be with you everyday but soon enough, I find that annoying. I was used to be alone for months & months and all of a sudden, we see each other everyday, without having a breather. True enough, it wasn't too long that I find that abit too much, it began to takeover my life when nothing seems to advance & move forward.

I admit that I was doing the wrong thing but I too have to tell you that it is for a very good reason. I now agree with you that our relationship is so screwed up that in order to gain the little trust I want from you, I did exactly the opposite to earn it. Now, I wouldn't even dare to think to do the same thing to anyone else because in the process to look for self-esteem, I hurt you then I hurt myself -badly. The betrayal that you felt might be worse than the guilt I had but nonetheless, I was stupid to do things to hurt people, especially myself. I remember how much it hurts to go to bed with tears in my eyes & waking up knowing I lost something, never getting it back forever. I remember feeling the pain so much that I wish I could take it out from my heart forever even if that means I don't feel anything anymore. I even woke up feeling aimless & even thinking of ending everything just for this.

Thankfully, with all the self-hate & guilt, someone talk to me through it. I am a very stubborn person, I refuse to listen to anyone that had all the good intention of making me feel good. I have to be the one to snap out of it. I did get out of it not long after but had re-lapse from time to time. The last time I cried over this was 2 months ago. Then I convinced myself you are not good enough for me to make myself feel better. But I did not want to be the bitter former love. I hated that you never trust me, I hated myself for being a kid. But a good friend once told me, both of us taught each other something that none would have teach us. I taught you to trust people more & you taught me to not be a kid in my decisions anymore. (Perhaps I had been so mature all my life that I chose the wrong time & wrong aspect to be a kid, thinking there won't be any consequences).

I wanted to say that I never regretted making the mistake that make both of us realised that we are in a rut & helped us be better person (I hope, for your sake). I too realised that its lost forever & I have no intention to get it back. It happened for a reason & you are history for a reason. Don't get me wrong, I did not intend to defend for myself. I am still terribly sorry for what I did.

I gathered lots of courage to write this. You may not know that this exist but someday you might read it or you might not. All of these doesn't matter because I just want to put all of these behind me. I knew that we won't be able to be absence from each other's life forever but this is for me, I wanted you to know that I apologised, I felt bad, I felt guilt and its time to move on. I am done feeling like that anymore. Because I am now free to chase whatever dream I had in mind, from every aspect of my life. I remembered that I always know that I want to marry someone from different race/cultural background. Maybe this might happen now that I changed my life from fairly certain to fairly uncertain. I am glad to say that I welcome any surprise that life would give me in the future with a welcoming hug.

I hope this letter is heartfelt but its a tad too emo & touchy-feelly for me. I am also known for my randomness. So, I hereby posted a few pictures of myself trying to figure out whether I look good in this dress or not. I love the wild leather- tutu alike skirt combo. It screams me, as some of you know that my motto in looking for a fashion item is cool with a little bit of feminine/sweet. What is a better combo than biker leather & ballerina tutu? Some assistance maybe? Months of not buying dress finally caught up to me. Being in a cold country, I usually go out in jeans tucked into my boots but sales & dress is always a good combo. =)

I posted this on instagram because I like the way I smile (but I don't like the background)

This was on instagram as well because I love how my hair behaved & my board of inspiration (which was put together using magazines & note of encouragement). Oh ya, Shu Yee, if you are reading this, I am loving the whip mousse lip gloss, it really is like mousse & so velvety. Also, it fits into my favourite criteria - matte lips without being too dry. I used it on both my cheek & lips. I am gonna get all the colours available. Lol.

This was just to show the overall dress as instagram allowed only a square picture which resulted in me cropping off half the dress. I know I am quite amateur in the whole photoshop thing (1st, I am lazy & 2nd, I am lazy).

A keeper or a ditcher?

Paris Revisit

Merry Christmas everyone! It is the most happening Christmas as this is the first Christmas after the end of the world & I am probably already in my dreamland with my current squeeze Pierre or Francios. Hahahaha. Anyway, I am gonna tell you a story, a love story between Paris & I. It started 13 years ago, when i was a child.....

4 years ago, the summer of 2008, i was almost 19 & i made my first visit to Paris. Paris is always a city i would love to visit ever since i saw the drawing of Eiffel Tower in my uncle's house. Since then i made a promise to myself that i am going to go with someone i love. How naive was i? I was 10 then. Fast forward 9 years, i was lucky enough to visit Paris with someone i love.

Paris was a disaster. It was too warm (I had no idea why I had the jacket on even though I still think I look cool), i was crazy obsessed with my stupid hair. I was young & not to forget look chubbier than I am now & i took everything for granted but i am thankful for D to be there.

Even so, Paris gave me a bad impression, dirty underground, dirty streets, british are angels compared to Parisian. But again, i had been to Paris, even if the experience aren't as i expected, im glad i've been there.

Fast forward another 4 years, D & I are no longer together, the someone i loved & went to Paris with are no longer together. Things changed. A lot. The last time Paris was warm, this time Paris was cold & wet. Last time, Paris was a whole mess. Now, Paris is still messy but I am a whole mess.

Eiffel tower was brown the last time i saw, Eiffel tower is now bright with lights & glistening in the dark sky. It was perfect. But this time i wasn't here with someone i love. I guess u can't have everything perfect. Perfect weather, perfect feeling, perfect settings, wrong person. Don't get me wrong, my cousin was great companion but i would like to go with someone i love. The experience was great. I met people that taught me to be more of a lady and let the men to be gentlemen, like allowing them to do the honour of holding doors.

I learnt to say bonjour, bonsoir & au revoir pretty good. I learnt to pronounce Champs-Elysees correctly. I learnt that Holiday Villa (you can check if you don't believe me) is owned by Malaysian company. Hahaha.

Pictures coming out soon. I nearly didn't want to come back to London. It was perfect, the windows sill & the tiny balcony. (I totally forgot to take picture of the window sill with me sitting looking all artistic). 

You know, something like that.

                                                  Source: http://everybodyishotisdead.blogspot.co.uk/2009/07/bastille-day.html 

Anyway, i like Paris now. It was everything i imagined. The cold weather & the romantic air - smelling nothing of pee (I am kidding, the metro in Paris smells like pee). Most importantly, its different. Its a different experience compared to the one D & I took few years back. I am more patient now. That being said, I will never regret the trip 4 years ago, just because it doesn't last forever, it still make me who i am today. I wouldnt change a thing about it.

Mr Butterscotch, i hope our trip to Paris' memory would be great & last me a life time. Although i always know that i would end up marrying someone else instead of u. Perhaps a French? Hahahahahaha. Nah, British accent is still the cutest to me.

Au revoir for now.