Written while Drunk on Thoughts

6 Jan 2013

A letter to a past love & a bit more

I am sure most of you are familiar with letters that people, even famous people, wrote to themselves, more accurately themselves when they are 16 years old. As I am just 23 years old, I find that writing a letter to the 16 year old me seems abit too soon. Maybe when I am 66, then I will write that letter. For now, I would like to write a letter to a past love, a love I thought I would have forever but didn't, a love that will always be in a small corner of my heart.

You taught me that there is more than love out there and relationship between 2 person is more than just love, it is about trust (which never seem to exist in between us), it is about compatibility, it is about location, it is about timing & it is most importantly about tolerance. You see why it is so difficult for a perfect love to come by. You need so many different ingredients to make it perfect.

I was young & quite naive. I used to think that none of that matters, as long as we are in love with each other, we are good. I too realised that just because you survived a long distance relationship (alot doesn't seem to pass this test), you would be perfect for each other & finally getting back together would make things all fairy tale & happily ever after. When I first go home for good, I was excited to be with you everyday but soon enough, I find that annoying. I was used to be alone for months & months and all of a sudden, we see each other everyday, without having a breather. True enough, it wasn't too long that I find that abit too much, it began to takeover my life when nothing seems to advance & move forward.

I admit that I was doing the wrong thing but I too have to tell you that it is for a very good reason. I now agree with you that our relationship is so screwed up that in order to gain the little trust I want from you, I did exactly the opposite to earn it. Now, I wouldn't even dare to think to do the same thing to anyone else because in the process to look for self-esteem, I hurt you then I hurt myself -badly. The betrayal that you felt might be worse than the guilt I had but nonetheless, I was stupid to do things to hurt people, especially myself. I remember how much it hurts to go to bed with tears in my eyes & waking up knowing I lost something, never getting it back forever. I remember feeling the pain so much that I wish I could take it out from my heart forever even if that means I don't feel anything anymore. I even woke up feeling aimless & even thinking of ending everything just for this.

Thankfully, with all the self-hate & guilt, someone talk to me through it. I am a very stubborn person, I refuse to listen to anyone that had all the good intention of making me feel good. I have to be the one to snap out of it. I did get out of it not long after but had re-lapse from time to time. The last time I cried over this was 2 months ago. Then I convinced myself you are not good enough for me to make myself feel better. But I did not want to be the bitter former love. I hated that you never trust me, I hated myself for being a kid. But a good friend once told me, both of us taught each other something that none would have teach us. I taught you to trust people more & you taught me to not be a kid in my decisions anymore. (Perhaps I had been so mature all my life that I chose the wrong time & wrong aspect to be a kid, thinking there won't be any consequences).

I wanted to say that I never regretted making the mistake that make both of us realised that we are in a rut & helped us be better person (I hope, for your sake). I too realised that its lost forever & I have no intention to get it back. It happened for a reason & you are history for a reason. Don't get me wrong, I did not intend to defend for myself. I am still terribly sorry for what I did.

I gathered lots of courage to write this. You may not know that this exist but someday you might read it or you might not. All of these doesn't matter because I just want to put all of these behind me. I knew that we won't be able to be absence from each other's life forever but this is for me, I wanted you to know that I apologised, I felt bad, I felt guilt and its time to move on. I am done feeling like that anymore. Because I am now free to chase whatever dream I had in mind, from every aspect of my life. I remembered that I always know that I want to marry someone from different race/cultural background. Maybe this might happen now that I changed my life from fairly certain to fairly uncertain. I am glad to say that I welcome any surprise that life would give me in the future with a welcoming hug.

I hope this letter is heartfelt but its a tad too emo & touchy-feelly for me. I am also known for my randomness. So, I hereby posted a few pictures of myself trying to figure out whether I look good in this dress or not. I love the wild leather- tutu alike skirt combo. It screams me, as some of you know that my motto in looking for a fashion item is cool with a little bit of feminine/sweet. What is a better combo than biker leather & ballerina tutu? Some assistance maybe? Months of not buying dress finally caught up to me. Being in a cold country, I usually go out in jeans tucked into my boots but sales & dress is always a good combo. =)

I posted this on instagram because I like the way I smile (but I don't like the background)

This was on instagram as well because I love how my hair behaved & my board of inspiration (which was put together using magazines & note of encouragement). Oh ya, Shu Yee, if you are reading this, I am loving the whip mousse lip gloss, it really is like mousse & so velvety. Also, it fits into my favourite criteria - matte lips without being too dry. I used it on both my cheek & lips. I am gonna get all the colours available. Lol.

This was just to show the overall dress as instagram allowed only a square picture which resulted in me cropping off half the dress. I know I am quite amateur in the whole photoshop thing (1st, I am lazy & 2nd, I am lazy).

A keeper or a ditcher?

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