Written while Drunk on Thoughts

27 Mar 2013

Cousin left, all alone....

I never been much of a family person but its nice to have a family around, someone that you could take to when you are feeling lonely. Someone that you know if you are in trouble, he/she could be reach in less than an hour. Someone that lives in the same city as you. Today is the day my cousin is going back Malaysia for good after spending almost 5 years in UK.

My cousin and I were born less than a year apart and grew up together (we shared the same babysitter). We used to sleep together, took naps together, shower together, play together and basically grew up together. We had our times, we fight, we sway far when we were teenagers, despite living in the same country, we were hours train ride apart. I fell apart and called her sobbing at the start of the year, she immediately offered to accompany me the very weekend without me asking. So when she announced that she is leaving the same city I am in for good, I made sure that I treat her for a dinner (early birthday too! her birthday coming up in 2 weeks time) And since we are food buddies (we frequently go for new restaurants that either of us discovered), we embarked on quite a food journey (plus a cake and a few cookies) since last friday (Vietnamese - Cafe Eat, Surrey Quays), Saturday (Eat Tokyo, Trafalgar) and finally Tuesday (Burger & Lobster, Dean Street).

Friday (Cafe Eat)

DIY Hello Kitty cupcake found at Tesco

 She donated some of her belongings to me, a duvet, 2 pillows, a towel and many many useful stuff that I wanted to buy but could live without for a year or two.

Saturday (Eat Tokyo) 

 I invited Molly along, I am so glad that my friends liked my cousin, she looks really cute here. Well, both of them are.

Finally, Tuesday (Burger & Lobster)

 Look how huge the lobster's claw is! I am a happy person there and then.

 We all had to right?

 Penang girls had to have their seafood!

The end result. One full stomach, a devoured lobster and a huge smile on the girls faces. =)

Then we decided to do a bit of walking/shopping after that and despite of the near zero temperature, I ordered a cold drink from Starbucks. She shopped, I walked. Ok, I didn't see anything I want plus I just got myself a dress at 40% off, gotta love spring sale. =)

She told me she might be working in KL/Singapore. I hope that the next time I see her, it wouldn't be Chinese New Year or when either of us are getting married. Here goes my food adventure with cousin, from now on, I would have to get a replacement or I will have to wander alone..... Here is to you, Elysia, all the best in your future. Thanks for being there for me most of the time.

26 Mar 2013

Is it right to do so?

Taking the High Road or sink low?

Scenario 1: As most of you know that I have housemates / roommates, depending on what you want to refer them as. And I am sure most of you know, there will always be conflict among housemates. Especially when it comes to common area where EVERYONE has the responsibility to make sure that the area is clean. There are always the free-rider and pushover. In my case, I try to be neutral, I clean up after myself everytime and if I don't feel like cleaning, I don't make a mess, that is - I don't cook, I use the microwave, I use the toaster, the kettle, thats it.

Yesterday, after weeks and weeks of not cooking, I decided to cook some Japanese curry my cousin gave the remaining to me. Whilst cooking, "A" (lets call him A because his name starts with an A and he comes from a country that also start with a letter A) comes and tell me to clean up everytime after I cook.

I FELT OFFENDED! I immediately told him that yesterday was the first time in 2 months that I even cook using the cooker / hob and he comes around and TELL ME TO CLEAN UP EVERYTIME AFTER I COOK?! Of course I refused to take the blame for something that I did not do. I told him that it wasn't me, might be someone else, and guess what?! He asked whether I could talk to the other girl living in the same flat because (TAKE THIS) you guys are girls, you can communicate better.

That was the lamest, fuck ass reason I've ever heard, just because we are girls that doesn't necessary means we get along better. He just wants me to be the bad guy/ bitch that tell people off. You know what, if I were to tell the girl, I am quoting him word by word because he was the one annoyed by it, not me.

Secondly, what got me so pissed off is, he is exactly a clean freak himself. I put out a recycling bag that clearly states "THIS BAG IS FOR RECYCLING ONLY." (underline somemore) but he threw all his rubbish, including non-recyclables and unfinished rice and meat in it. Clearly since he was telling me off, I took the opportunity to tell him that that bag is for recycling only. Guess what he replied? "So, I had to separate it?" My immediate thoughts were WHAT?! I was speechless. So this is the question.

Question 1: Am I a horrible person if I were to "bad-mouth" people by quoting them because he made me tell some one off even though he is the one that couldn't stand the situation? While I am quite unbothered about it?

Scenario 2: I have a friend - B, lets just say she is from a country that I don't really fancy. To prove that I am not bias, I don't really like China Chinese especially those really .... ones, but I do have a friend that is from China and I enjoyed spending time with. Anyhow, that friend B committed herself to a part time job and because of that she missed some classes and frequently ask for my help in providing her notes. Notes that I diligently jotted down during lectures. That is I paid attention even though I might feel sleepy or bored. Also these notes are listened, processed and what was written are my own inputs and thoughts.

Due to this part time job, she always asked for my notes and I wasn't really happy to provide her my thoughts, because it might be silly if she read it or its too brilliant that she stole it without giving me credit, I know to think like this is extremely extremely selfish but hey, its a dog eat dog world, my inputs might get her the top marks while I don't. Also, she get paid for her job and due to that she is missing her main purpose of being here. Meaning she gets to earn the cash but I was the one doing her job, to a certain extent. If the situation were to reversed, will she help me? I don't think so, there were once I skipped half a lecture to go accompany my cousin for a theatre show, I asked whether I could borrow her notes, she told me she didn't take down any. I wasn't really sure that whether its a lie or she just doesn't want to lend it to me. I did not take it seriously as I had to take the consequences of picking leisure instead of work. Here's another question, should I help a friend out numerous times because of her other commitment? Let's put it this way, I would make sure I will be able to juggle between the 2 / 3 before committing and never ask for help, unless I was dying and I can't attend class, that was forgivable and understandable.

Question 2: Will I be horrible to refuse MY notes to a friend that couldn't attend a class because she has another commitment while her main job is to study and part time job is well, a part time job. P.S. She is not in dire need of money. But she gets paid and MY complete notes. While I share my thoughts (which is what it really counts in higher education) and no ££ from part time job.

Before you accused me of being a bitch, I do feel bad about that but I too feel that its incredibly unfair to me, I had to consider my welfare before others, am I wrong?

21 Mar 2013

All of a sudden, I miss home

Sorry, no picture in this posts, skip it if you please.

Due to the very weak correlation between my family and I, I am never very much a home person. I would be happy to just ring home once a week just to let them know I am well and alive. =) Even so, if I am no longer alive, I doubt my family will notice until 3 weeks later. I am not kidding. So due to the high possibility of a clash every single time I call home, I rather avoid it to the max. I figure I would never include them in my day to day lives, I definitely do not include them in my major decision. I was brought up to be independent, from my family that is. I apologise for sounding like a spoilt brat, but to keep the relationship well and balanced, I had a "I will call you once a week" buffer between us. Communication is strictly via email, whatsapp and facetime, with maximum of an hour chat time. Thats it.

But of late, I start to miss home, Penang is plagued with small, independent cafes which offers bacon, a delicacy that is not easily available elsewhere. While browsing through pictures and reviews, I constantly remind myself that the next time I am visiting the supermarket, I am picking up some bacon. And some strawberries, big fat mutant strawberries. If get to choose, I think I will give up the warm weather for eternal supply of easy bacon. =)

Right about now, I am tired and all stressed out. To add to the mix, my room door doesn't work and I fear that I had to camp out in the kitchen for the night. But, well I called the emergency line and someone fixed my door, no harm no foul. I am just bumped out after this few weeks. I just finished my last paper of the semester and am slightly relaxed. I did hope I remembered more than a thing or two in the mid term question but what's done is done, I am happy with my answers and probably will get what I deserve, a very high marks! Haha. Allow me to ramble abit, question was able stress testing and how firm's vulnerabilities could be tested using that. There are 4 vulnerabilities. I BRIEFLY wrote once, briefly, like if the answer is "its A because A tends to behave differently during XYZ" and I wrote "A". FML really but I hope my lecturer are good in picking my points. And we were asked to give examples. I am not sure about to give examples on the vulnerabilities or example of stressed condition, I am guessing the former is the one my lecturer wants but oh well, its done.

Another thing is, I attended the support class of this particular subject, well you know students, we tend to leave things to the last minute and just ignore everything in out lives just to focus on that ONE tests RIGHT before the exams so no one showed up. Time management guys, time management. Hahaha, abit of humble brag, although Im stressed out, although I am not super genius getting 98 out of 100. I never go crazy fearing I cant finish studying because I always plan way way before, even allowing me to slot in some dinner plans, movie plans, shopping plans and sleep before 10pm the day before.

Back to what I wanted to say, I once said before that my TAs are cute right, I had the chance to talk to the TA today (no pictures, just like my cute imaginary German guy, you just have to imagine but I think this cute imaginary Italian guy is slightly cuter,  Italians had dark features and I m more into the Mediterranean look) because we were the only two in class, no one attends. He told me that someone graded him poor teaching assistant, I felt so sorry for him. I have a feeling that a lot of students took education for granted. We are studying Master, you can't just fly by doing nothing and still expect to get a distinction. 30% of the knowledge was taught and 70% is to find it out ourselves. Also the nature of the module is so subjective, there are no right and wrong answer. I am not defending him because he is super cute but its what it is. Academia spent years and years trying to figure a way of why things goes wrong and why during the 90s every financial professional could retire at the age of 45 and why the sudden change of heart that people decided that certain companies or certain stock is not good enough. We are humans, years, decades, centuries, millennium was spent to understand human behaviour, no one can come out with a definite answer why human behaved the way we behaved.

But on the bright side, he mentioned that he was kidding and I got confused about whether he was "graded" poor, he replied that he just wants to start a conversation or he said and I quote "nah, i am just making conversation". I guess he was too bored and no ones wants to talk to him. I learnt that he is extremely young, just a couple of years older than me but he looks like he is 30. Gah, a downside of their genes. The reception from my building thought I was at my first year of university. Wahahahhaha and I can pull it off if I said I am 18. Maybe not to you guys la, you know how old I am and I DID age through this few years. And I learnt that in London, people know more about South East Asia. Lol, he told me his mother and her boyfriend loves South East Asia so much that they visited more than thrice. And he knows Kuala Lumpur and dislikes Bangkok. Am I the one ignorant now or has people suddenly get more knowledgable and Malaysia is making a name on the world's platform. Good for you, Malaysia. However, the age old question of "why do you have Chinese name if you are from malaysia and is Melissa your real name or you gave one to yourself?" I had to explain everytime.

Ok, done. I shall end abruptly to clean my room, shower and watch a movie I just bought off itune because I can't find it anywhere. Damn.

14 Mar 2013

I think I need a chrysanthemum to decide whether he loves me or not...

It doesn't take me very long to realised that writing out how I feel makes me feel better in a lot of ways. So, instead of a tiny goodbye, I am posting thoughts and ramblings (complaints?) to compensate for the lack of beautiful pictures. Well, this is a punishment, not a compensation. Nevermind, moving on.

I had been reluctant to admit it to people because I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Firstly, this is my decision, I made the decision, so I don't think I have the right to complaint. Secondly, I feel like a spoilt brat because I was given this wonderful opportunity again and here I am, complaining. But, I suppose the first step of being strong is to sometimes (only sometimes) admit that you felt insecure, afraid and uncertain in the same time. Ever since making the decision and actually had came back to UK for studies, I repeatedly asked myself the same questions again and again and again. Sometimes, I think even I myself am tired of me asking the same questions over and over. "Is this the right decision? Would I be better off without this particular move? Where will I be if I did not take this move? Where will I be in the future with this decision"

Oh! trying to run away from your problem doesn't help. I got over it not long ago but also realised that moving 7000 miles doesn't help. You need to face it and own it to get over it. I finally told my friend after a very long time, I felt relieved and realised that this friend is more than a keeper. He will always be in my life, no matter what (I hope.)

Unfortunately, for the questions that had been repeated endlessly in my mind and heart, there are still no answer for it. Although I know that I would definitely be better off in the future, just not the near foreseeable future. Anyhow, I've read an article that advise people to hold on tight even though it may seem overwhelming, I think it might be a piece of great advise. So, almost everyday, I put on my brave face and just go, I don't really know where I am going at the moment but at least I am going. Going to Holland (joke in hokkien) maybe? =p I wouldn't mind that.*Speaking of which, I am interested in going to Amsterdam again, the memory I had in regards of Amsterdam is really good, but I wanted to replace a certain someone in that memory, anyone interested?* But at the mean time, I desperately need a break from all this and while trying to juggle between 2 mid-terms and a thesis draft, not to mention I am on a mission to persuade my cousin of staying a little while longer, at least until I am less occupied and could spend more time with her. I am taking things one step at a time.

Oh....how I hope she wouldn't leave, she is nearly a rock and a cushion to fall back when I need it. Her korokke helps too. =) Please don't leave....

8 Mar 2013

Before fun, there are harder times

I don't mean hard times as in hard times per say. But i have my thesis draft to write and 2 mid term tests to complete before a break. Mini break before the crazy fun times before summer and finally fun times writing thesis while getting inspiration travelling around.

Fret not my friends, i am well and alive. Pardon my lack of posts unless you are interested in late nights in the library, there really is nothing much.

I bid you a tiny goodbye and see you again in 2 weeks time.

7 Mar 2013

Please, Please, Please, let me get what I want

Just an update to what is happening.....

While preparing for many mid-terms and thesis' drafts to come in the near future coupled with the freaking out of what my life has in store in me, I somehow found my music muse again. When I said muse, I am not trying to be a hipster. I just enjoyed looking for music that I would heard from a tv show, on the street, in a restaurant, in a store and use an app I downloaded which could identify the name of the song and get hold of the song name so that I could download it, play it a gazillion times on my ipod on a loop until I find another song. The process then starts all over again.

I used to do that the last time I was in university. And work caught up to me and I stopped because I barely had time enough to sleep and is falling back on tv series and everything in my life is in a loop. Fret not, I got out from the loop, although not the correct way to get out of it but what is important is, I got out of it. And got myself into another loop. Classes, lazing around, burning midnight oil. But on the side, I get to explore restaurants and new places. My cousin and I find new restaurants to try, different cuisine every week. Not the cheapest past time but I enjoyed every minute of it. These weekly outings gave me a reason to dress up - which I didn't really bother to do so anymore since I don't have the need to impress anyone. Am I the only one or is the best part of any relationship is the duration where you would want to impress the other person? I don't mean solely mean those kind of relationship, but also new friendship, work relationship where you would want people to see you as a certain kind of person until comfort kicks in and you just sort of let everything go?

Anyway, back to what I was saying. There are a lot of panicky days, freaking out days to come but I am going to take things one day at a time, one test at a time, one project at a time. I have a clear vision of what I want (maybe just on certain thing rather than another), so I would like to quote The Smiths, "Please, Please, Please, let me, let me, let me get what I want this time." I want to get what I am not able to and also didn't try hard enough to get the last time.

I am sure everyone has something or someone in their life that they want really bad. This is for all of you, I hope that you would be able to get what you want.

The Smiths - Please, Please, Please, let me get what I want