Written while Drunk on Thoughts

14 Mar 2013

I think I need a chrysanthemum to decide whether he loves me or not...

It doesn't take me very long to realised that writing out how I feel makes me feel better in a lot of ways. So, instead of a tiny goodbye, I am posting thoughts and ramblings (complaints?) to compensate for the lack of beautiful pictures. Well, this is a punishment, not a compensation. Nevermind, moving on.

I had been reluctant to admit it to people because I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Firstly, this is my decision, I made the decision, so I don't think I have the right to complaint. Secondly, I feel like a spoilt brat because I was given this wonderful opportunity again and here I am, complaining. But, I suppose the first step of being strong is to sometimes (only sometimes) admit that you felt insecure, afraid and uncertain in the same time. Ever since making the decision and actually had came back to UK for studies, I repeatedly asked myself the same questions again and again and again. Sometimes, I think even I myself am tired of me asking the same questions over and over. "Is this the right decision? Would I be better off without this particular move? Where will I be if I did not take this move? Where will I be in the future with this decision"

Oh! trying to run away from your problem doesn't help. I got over it not long ago but also realised that moving 7000 miles doesn't help. You need to face it and own it to get over it. I finally told my friend after a very long time, I felt relieved and realised that this friend is more than a keeper. He will always be in my life, no matter what (I hope.)

Unfortunately, for the questions that had been repeated endlessly in my mind and heart, there are still no answer for it. Although I know that I would definitely be better off in the future, just not the near foreseeable future. Anyhow, I've read an article that advise people to hold on tight even though it may seem overwhelming, I think it might be a piece of great advise. So, almost everyday, I put on my brave face and just go, I don't really know where I am going at the moment but at least I am going. Going to Holland (joke in hokkien) maybe? =p I wouldn't mind that.*Speaking of which, I am interested in going to Amsterdam again, the memory I had in regards of Amsterdam is really good, but I wanted to replace a certain someone in that memory, anyone interested?* But at the mean time, I desperately need a break from all this and while trying to juggle between 2 mid-terms and a thesis draft, not to mention I am on a mission to persuade my cousin of staying a little while longer, at least until I am less occupied and could spend more time with her. I am taking things one step at a time.

Oh....how I hope she wouldn't leave, she is nearly a rock and a cushion to fall back when I need it. Her korokke helps too. =) Please don't leave....

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