Written while Drunk on Thoughts

19 Sep 2013

Falling in Love

Few months ago, I was asked this question: "How do you know when you are in love?" At that moment, I dug deep in my brain and in my heart, first searching for my definition of love then attempt to answer the question in the most accurate and concise manner. All I got is "Erm...I don't know....maybe...erm....you just know. I don't know, please don't ask me that question."

Obviously, my friend looked at me with a blank, confused face. But I know what was in her mind - "And you claimed to be an expert in love. Pftt!!"

Movies always tell us that "Love" is something you give out unconditionally, you don't have a reason as to why you are doing it, you just do. Movies also tell us that "Falling in love" is an act that you do subconsciously. There is a conflict there. If you do it without knowing consciously, how do you know you have done it?

Yesterday, the same friend sent me this clip from Before Sunset and along with the scene she sent me a written version of what the heroine Celine said in the movie.


Celine: You know I'm happy you are saying that, I mean I always feel like a freak because I'm never able to move on like... (snap her fingers) ...this! You know. People just have an affair or even entire relationships. They break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed a brand of Cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person have their own specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost. Each relationship, when it ends, really damages me. I never really recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved because it hurts me too much... or even getting laid, I actually don't do that. I will miss of the person the most mundane things. Like I'm obsessed with little things. Maybe I'm crazy... When I was a little girl, my mom told me that I was always late to school. One day she followed me to see why. I was looking at chestnuts falling from the trees and rolling on the sidewalk, or ants crossing the road, the way a leaf casts a shadow on a tree trunk. Little things. I think it's the same with people. I see in them little details, so specific to each of them, that move me, that I miss, and will always miss. You can never replace anyone because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details.

So, falling in love is noticing specific details of someone? If you ask 10 people the question what is Love, you will probably get at least 10 different versions of answer. Some will tell you its unconditionally, while others disagree. Some will tell you its something magical, while others will tell you its logical. Some will say "Love is unlimited" while others will tell you "I don't believe in Love".

Frankly, I still don't have the "correct" answer yet because the feeling that I thought was "in love" turns out to be "confused". But for now, my answer is "Being in love is feeling content and happy with your current situation with that someone" Be its with family or with a stranger that could potentially be your family, if you are content and happy with him or her or it, you are in love.

16 Sep 2013

One Year

Today (down to the very minute, give or take a 10 minutes) marks the one year anniversary of me setting foot in this country once again. The goal is to earn a Master's degree, mend a broken heart and if possible, travel as much as I can and of course, try my hardest in getting a job. Everything else seems secondary.

I still remember the feeling when I got off the plane. I was too tired to feel. I waited for hours for the university transfer to bring me into the city. The first person I met is an American transfer student doing his third year. I got to the university and a really helpful student ambassador (do they call them that?) helped me drag my huge & heavy luggage to my accommodation across the road. You wouldn't believe how grateful I was, I gave her a huge hug and check into my new room for the year. 

Nothing sink in, absolutely nothing, even when another nice younger girl helped me with my luggage to the room and said "welcome, this will be your home for the next year." In my head, I knew I had a list of errands to run before shops closes. I managed to get everything done (including meeting my neighbours for the year) before the sky gets dark and finally had a breather. I sat down in front of my computer and stare out the window. Slowly, it seep in. All the thoughts and all the joy, it sank in bit by bit. I didn't miss home. I am so eager to get back to this wonderful city that nothing hold me back. I was excited to make a home out of the standard student room. 

However, one thing did creep me out. I had not been studying for the past 2 years and my brain behave differently. I freaked out but did take things slowly, one thing at a time. But at the same time, I am excited to explore this wonderful beloved city of my once again. With what had happened in the past 2 years, moving to a new city injected some fresh perspective and views. But of course, you can never run away from your problem.

Then I get to meet new people, face new-never-encountered-before problems, try new food. By writing this post, it makes me re-think what I've been through this year.

She is my very first friend in university. As usual, I was the first one to poke my nose while she is minding her own business. I still remember the day very clearly. Its on a friday afternoon, we were both waiting to meet our Head of School to give us speech. We started talking and the rest is history. She introduced me to Turkish food and Turkish culture, a culture that had previously been so alien and far to me. I've learnt to say "Thank you" in Turkish and will be visiting Turkey in the near future. Its been more than a month since she left and I miss her very much.

My ever so kind flatmate. I met him on the very first day when we both move into the flat. He has all kinds of kitchen utensils, while me, I settled on a knife, ONE plate, ONE mug, ONE bowl, ONE fork, ONE spoon, ONE cutting knife. You get the idea, basically ONE of everything. So, Gavin is always the victim when I decided to steal someoneelse's kitchenware. He is also quite a listener. We chat and talk nonsense, bonding over The Big Bang Theory and Modern Family. Though its not until I almost finish my exam that I started going on drinking sessions, or else I might not have pass my exam at all. Now that we've moved out of the flat, I am lucky to have know Gavin, the gentle, kind aggressive-violent-plastic bag-throwing flatmate.

She is the last one to "check-in" to our flat, when another flatmate of mine told me there is a girl moving into the same flat, I was delighted and even excited to find out she is from Thailand (because its closer to home). Our interaction had always been polite and diplomatic. I would classify her as "Hi-Bye" friends. She's always just the girl down the hall and nothing more... Not until when she decided to tag along for my jogging session (How Pretty Girl and me get to be so close). I appreciate the kindness, sincerity and warmth she brought me. Most importantly, she opened up new opportunities for me. I would never ever dine in Ladurée if not for her. 

It all started with Pretty Girl agreeing to go jogging with me, one thing lead to another, I get to know D via Gavin. He changed my perspective in life, about having a good time does not necessarily involve shopping and paying obsence amount of money for dinner. He taught me life could be simple yet fulfilling and the occasional bad French. 

Human are greedy, we constantly want more. Even though we have more than we expected, we are never content and satisfied and is constantly chasing for more. This is why I have to kept reminding myself that even if the future that I wanted does not work out, I have gained more than I've previously planned. I have more than what I had in mind a year ago. I am really glad that more than one year ago, I decided to embark on this journey, this amazing and fulfilling journey that brought new, fresh perspective in my life. 

One year ago, happiness is my goal, temporary happiness is when that handbag I've always wanted arrived in the post, happiness seems almost impossible. Happiness is now a feeling, a way of life. 

14 Sep 2013

My Gänseblümchen

4 days ago, my emotions just went all over London with me, in the cab, in the tube and on the bus. If someone ask me what is the most difficult thing that I have to go through by studying / living abroad? (I know, not much of my friends will ask that because to them I am a lucky, spoilt girl - maybe I am) I don't think living alone is difficult, I am lucky enough to have financial support from the family. I don't think its the studying and the fact that I have to do everything and solve all difficulties by myself. The most difficult thing is to say goodbye. What is more difficult is to say goodbye is when you say goodbye, you don't know when is the next time you will see this person again.

Sure, the world is small, we are all just a plane ride away. But there are more to it. Life happens. Life is a cruel creature. It makes you forget people, forget who was important to you. Perhaps I was the one that did not put any effort into our friendship but it goes both ways. The other party could have contact me. So, I am not the only one to be blame. Through all that, I have a principal that I stood by - don't get too attached to anyone. Because it hurts less when LIFE happens. So, I really envy people with friends from high school, primary school or childhood friends. Because I did not make enough effort to make the other party to make an effort.

I thought this is it. I am never looking for a person to be close with me, to be my friend forever. I am sure everyone is familiar with the saying "You will find love when you are not looking for it". Let me tell you, its true. I am sure you all are sick with me saying this again and again. I came to this country hoping not to have anything more than a degree and a fun year. I did had a fun year and degree (fingers crossed) but I have more now. I had always bear in mind that all these are temporary, my friends are going to leave and when LIFE happens, we are going to lost touch because we are simply too busy living our own life. But the year 2013 keep on proving me wrong.

Thanks for being there for me, Pretty Girl. Thanks for being understanding and accommodating, especially when I couldn't stop obsessing over things and people. Thanks for sitting with me when I went through emotional roller coaster, thanks for going to different places and bringing me to different places. Thanks for agreeing to do crazy, immature but extremely funny stunts with me. Thanks for those encouraging messages, it did helped me get through things a lot easier. But most importantly, thanks for all those pretty pictures. =)

Now that this part of your life has ended, I wish you good luck and I promise you, I will NEVER EVER forget you. Just promise me that you will enjoy your life to the fullest. Things will work out. My Gänseblümchen, till we meet again. Don't change too much. I love you.

3 Sep 2013


A few months ago, when planning on a summer holiday, we decided to visit cities that starts with V. He was all about Venice while I am more keen on the more mellow Vienna. Don't get me wrong, I love sunny and exotic Mediterranean weather, its always my top holiday destination. One, I can get a tan. Second, I make up for the lack of sunlight in England within that short few days.

But now, although I love it when the sun is out in London. I fell in love with the more melancholy weather during winter. Yes, its a tad depressing for some people but I love the dark, mysterious vibe that only winter could offer. That being said, I am still not ready for winter yet.

That aside, I hate the rain. I don't like rain in Malaysia when sometimes its good for the hot and humid weather, rain cools the weather down and got rid of the dreadful haze. I don't like rain anywhere. As luck is on our side, it rained the 3 days we were in Vienna and my warmest clothes involved a thin knit jumper and . To top that off, my Austrian friend gave me false hope on how cute the guys there are. Its false advertisement.

Although both are old cities, its pretty obvious that Vienna sent out a more mellow and relaxed vibe while Venice is all about the sun and the "heat". I am glad that I get to experience such diverse culture and weather.

I used to love travelling when I was young, flying in a plane is so exciting. Then I grew up and had to move to another country, which means constant travelling every few months. I hate the plane, I hate the waiting and the pain of getting pass airport security, don't get me started. Now, I still hate the plane ride and travelling. But when I got to a new place, just like magic, my problems that bugged me alot solved itself. I knew exactly what I should do and never question myself after that.

Perhaps its because I grew up and perspective changed. My past 2 trips was enlightening, it helps me think clearly from a different view. I moved to London to mend a broken heart, it turns out all I need is just a trip away from where I live. Haha.