Written while Drunk on Thoughts

25 Jan 2013

Clearing my mind

*If u are sick of me ranting nonsense, just skip this post. I am just clearing my mind.*

I apologise for the constant pinning on a past love. The letter should be an end to everything but here i was writing about him again. I have a thousand things to said and a million things to write but it will all revolve around my reasoning for what I did. I guess i am overcompensating the guilt i felt by trying to reason with myself that i shouldn't be thinking too much and feeling too bad. I also overcompensate by patting myself on the head that i had the right feeling all these while. Of course, it doesn't help alot if u think about it. But i felt better after rambling.

I don't really know whether i knew him longer or she does. I met him when i was a child, 9 / 10 years old. He was a neighbour of a friend's that i used to spend all my time with. We even took the same tuition where he begged to share my answers with him. Hahaha. Little did i know that i would grow up to court him for a substantial amount of years of my life and even less so that i would left him with a scar of betrayal and distrustness (if there is such a word).

I always knew this girl - a girl that he was and apparently still is close with. She is nice but that is all i knew about her. She is quite different from me, she adds me as a friend immediately after knowing me. She invited me to their gathering with other old friends. She is nice. Ditto. Part of me is really glad that she is the new girl. I knew he is in good hands.

But somehow the vindictive part of me thinks that there might be something between them all these while. And i am someone that came between them for 5 years. He should be with her from the start. Perhaps we are acquainted much earlier on but its always not meant to be. You know, kind of like Lucas and Brooke? I am Brooke and she is Peyton. Brooke tried to hang on to what they had between them for as long as she could before she realised she doesn't picture growing old with Lucas. If i were to tell u i am fine with this, i would be lying big time. Everyone that went through this will tell u that there will somehow be something somewhere, especially when you are the bad guy that wrecked your relationship, no matter how fucked up it was.

I talked to my dad and a mutual friend of him and mine. We spent hours exchanging messages and I am really glad that he gave me some peace of mind by telling me that it takes 2 to tango, there are something in him that caused it. Being a good friend, he too disagree with what I did and told me I was childish. But the happiest thing I got from talking to him is, he could see I am growing up. The way I see things and the way I talk. And most importantly, I would now admit my own wrong. I recalled that I never will. Also, he reminded me that its that mistake that took me to where I am right now and if I like this version of me better, even a horrible thing could be a blessing in disguise.

As for my dad, I finally took the courage to tell him after more than a year. I guess I didn't think that its his business in knowing anyway. But truth be told, I felt so much better after I told him. At the very least he would stop asking me about him. And he told me that this is life, its in the past and no more tears. And as a bonus, I got to learn abit about his past, past girlfriends that is. Hehehe....

In risk of sounding like a bitter and smaller person, whenever I thought of the good times, I thought of the one time he told me that there are problems in our relationship. He never quite trust me from the beginning and I was being a rebel (and confirmed by my friend), so I subconsciously did the mistake to prove him right. So, yes. Here lies the problem. He could have trust me more and I could have communicate to him in a better way i.e. talking it off rather than doing what I did. And personally, I think that the relationship ran its course years ago. Neither him nor me have the courage to end it, it fits well into my plan and i supposed it fits into his plan as well. "Just because it fits well into my plan, it doesn't necessarily mean its right me." In some way, I am glad that this came early, if i were to delay further, i would have lost even more. I needed him for some conveniences (i cant drive myself around and i like to depend on people), so there comes to a time that i would learnt how to drive and open up doors of opportunities. There goes my thoughts. I no longer blame myself and felt guilty nor i am apologising and feeling sorry to him anymore as what my friend said it takes two to tango. I may be at fault here but i am not the only one.

So, ya. Thats my ranting for now. I treat this blog as a friend to talk to as i cant constantly bug my good friends. I have no intention nor do i have the thought of wishing them to be bad. When i said that i am happy for him n her, its from deep down of my heart, sincerely. She is a nice girl and i have no reason to hate her. I dont have the right to hate or dislike him.

Somethings happened for a reason. Right now i have to learn to completely let go.... completely.... I once heard a chinese way of speaking “人生嘛,不是得到,就是学到。就算得不到,还是有学到。“ Translation (loosely): Life is all about gaining and learning, if you end up not gaining (losing), you will still got some learning.

To be honest, I wanted him to see all this, to see how much was learnt and how much growth, to see that it was a blessing, not a suffering. =) Be proud of your padawan, Master. And also, please let me meet a cute guy in the near future. I don't ask for much, just one that find me interesting will do.

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