Just cause

什么是天长地久？就算有了天长地久又如何？人生需要的不是经历，体验而不是牢牢的套住不属于自己的任何事物？有些人在乎天长地久，有些人在乎曾经拥有。当然完美就是你也是你的天长地久的天长地久。可是，天底下有那么多天长地久吗？

本人很在意曾经拥有，因为人是善变的动物，本人就是一个活生生的例子 －贪新忘旧。也因为如此伤了不少人，伤了自己。我因改变了环境而喜欢上了一个人，却忘了正在等待自己的那个他。就算环境依旧，还是因为贪玩而和不该熟的人搭上了。

写这编post，不简单，中文生疏不多说，也鼓起不少勇气承认自己不是个好人。经过不少泪水和思考，我很清楚自己要的是什么，自己要的是谁。。。

Is giving up a cowardly choice?

Life is a summation of decisions or as my friend pointed out in mathematical terms (Life = Σ Decisions). It is a string of decisions made by someone that make up his / her life. There could be billions of possibilities that the particular life would turn out differently because of one single change in those decisions.

As a person who believe that if I am persistent enough, good things will eventually come to me, giving up is never an option. Because it is deemed cowardly and not acceptable. Suck it up and soldier on is the only way to go.

But every now and then, everyone must have feel like that:

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http://static2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120521082421/m__/meme/images/1/12/Table_Flip.jpg

Sometimes a little less frustrated and a lot more disappointed.

But then again, this will come back and haunt us.

http://www.celebquote.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/tumblr_ltzgt4yrMJ1r5e0lko1_500_large.gif

She made giving up seem like an easy way out. But WHAT IF it leads no where even after one had been trying and trying. Wouldn't that just waste his / her time? With this question comes another question: WHAT IF it does lead to something wonderful? Perhaps not in the near future but there might be a chance there will be a pot of gold waiting at the end of the rainbow?

I recently met a woman, she is a young mother of 4. She could tell what is troubling me within 5 minutes of meeting me and the horrifying thing is she is right. She offered to tell me my future but I told her I would like to find out myself even though that might eliminate the WHAT IF. *Don't want the "Anakin-Amidala" to happen again*. Uncertainty might be fun, it might be painful but it is also precisely what life is.

I don't think giving up is a cowardly choice, somethings are meant to be given up so that better things could fall in place. But somethings are not. How do you know which to give up and which not to? I have absolutely no idea. It wouldn't be fun if I do.

What do you want?

*I would like to apologise for not updating for a week. Its rare for me because I usually have a lot to tell and a lot to ramble.*

This past month had been surprisingly relaxing and fun but at the same time tough for me. I was hit pretty hard by reality. I was forced to face my own fears and really start thinking about what I wanted for myself in life. I had been putting that off, using school work as an excuse.

As everyone know, no matter what, sooner or later, one has to eventually face that "problem". I personally don't see that as problem, it is just life. Granted, its not as easy as choosing what to eat for dinner but once you are clear of what you want in life, it should be relatively easy.

But here comes the huge question: "WHAT DO YOU WANT IN LIFE?" No vague answers like: I want to be rich or I want to be famous. No one would say no to being rich.

If you are given a choice between:

1. staying in your favourite city and suffer through daily life, struggling to get used to the fact that life would be different and extremely difficult or go home and lead a relatively easy and relaxed life.

2. staying in your favourite city and be alone or go home to have the life you had planned with your someone special

3. a guy that loves you very much but is not right for you or a guy that you love but he doesn't reciprocate

4. To pursue what you love while living hand to mouth or continuing to do what you are good at but doesn't like while living comfortably

Its not that easy to answer ain't it? Sure, its easy to say of course I would chose to stay in the city I love, but comes the difficulties, you might want to give up. Its not difficult to choose a guy that loves you more thinking you might eventually get used to him or love him. But would it really happen? How about staying in your favourite city and leave your loved one, would you guarantee the city you love so much who be kind to you and love you back?

I recently met a guy, lets not be quick to conclude yet. Yes, I like him and he likes me. He came from a different background, a rather privileged (I mean who gets to travel 6000 miles to another country and grow up as an expat kid? Guys, all the stories about how they behaved is all true. We are much better.) one at that but there's a twist in his life and he had to work hard for what he wants since then.

What I like about him the most? He makes me think and feel. All my problems seems trivial in contrast. I learnt that most of the time, I myself created the problem. His existence forces me to feel, sometimes to the point where I thought I would explode. I didn't know that I could feel this much. No, its not the feeling of love. Rather its the feeling that I am more capable than I thought. If things doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to, its not the end of the world. Most of the time we just have to experienced it, learn from it and move on.

That being said, even though I am much more honest with myself, I still have no idea what I want in life. If you had already established what you want in life, think long and hard, is that really what you wanted or because there is where life brought you? If you haven't, join the club, so do I.

Spot new songs with Spotify

Music is part of everyone's life, music plays a huge part in my life. I started listening to music only during car rides where the radio is the only companion. Then I started purchasing cassette tapes and CD  in my high school years and continue to do so for years until I discovered downloading. I remembered that I used to blast the radio while studying. After leaving home to study in the UK, I was constantly alone, music became increasingly important, I will never leave the house without my ipod, it makes the bus rides, the tube rides and the waiting much more tolerable. Then when I started working, the car radio once again became my best friend, blasting it through the long car journey to work and to endure the traffic jam while going home. Now, back to the UK, the only constant item in all my bags is my ipod. This is how much music means to me.

I pride myself in looking for non-mainstream songs from indie bands, those that aren't Katy Perry or Lady Gaga or Justin Bieber. Mostly from tv series I watched, but now I had a whole new platform to discovered these new indie bands to add into my ipod- Spotify.

Spotify is a streaming service that holds lots and lots of songs from musicians, from the famous billboard songs to indie bands and songs from 60s and 70s. It is sorted in different genre in their radio function where you could pick only the genre that you like.

You will also have the option to save songs that you like and customise your own list. And whats best is IT IS FREE and available in Malaysia (launched just over a month ago)! Of course, you could opt for the premium accounts where there is no advertisement in between (basically it is like a radio where it will have an advertisement in between 10 songs or so.)

I learnt about Spotify not long ago and had been using it everyday when tv series had proved to be to much of a distraction when I am doing my revision. I really love this new streaming app, its easy to use and you don't have to download each & every songs and take up space in your computer, just stream and enjoy.

These are a few of new artists that I've discovered (they are not new per se, but new to me) and bands that I found from Spotify and enjoy.

Agnes Obel

Mumford & Sons

of Monsters and Men

Happy browsing through old songs, new songs, indie bands or the most current hit songs. Ok, now I think Spotify should give me free premium for a month or so for promoting.

"Sort of" Bucket List

A little more than a year ago, when things gets bad, I started changing a lot in my life. Perspectives mainly. I tried to compile a list of things that I would never do, more precisely, the old me wouldn't do.

1. I decided to get a tattoo, a thought that was with me for years but didn't get around doing it (also mainly due to the former love doesn't like tattoo-ed girl, I would never let anyone get into my way anymore, I had the tattoo for more than a year and everyday its like discovering something new). Am thinking of getting a new one soon but it was so expensive in London.

2. I decided to change myself a little bit and how I see life. I decided to get out of my way to do things that I weren't comfortable in doing.

3. I decided to get an Iphone even though I used to dislike it to the guts and don't think I will ever get one, even though I am a Macbook fan girl. I think things change when life decided to change.

4. I hated going out till late at night as I prefer to chillax at home, nowadays, you would be lucky to find me sitting at home in the evening, chilling.

5. I started going out more with different people, even though inside i was screaming in protest, I still make myself go. I said yes to all invitations (valid ones, of course, not some random dodgy guy). If you know the old me, I wouldn't do that. Am I right, Master? Its all because of my high dependency on him.

During New Year, my dad texted me a long list of wishes and advises that include this particular one that i like "Even if you don't feel like it, get dress, show up, the best has yet to come." Well, that was so right. Naturally when I saw this stem cell donation drive, I didn't think twice to sign up for it. I was horrified with needles and tubes. I saw how it was done on my mother and I freaked out on how high the blood pressure is when you extract blood. But seeing this is one of the things I wasn't comfortable doing, I am going to give it a try. I do not know whether I would be a match but at least I decided to do something about it.

Perhaps donating blood could be a yearly thing that I do and also sign up to be an organ donor (one thing I always wants to do) when I die. Did anyone one where I can find information on this in Malaysia?

6. I never really liked photography, I believe that we should savour the moment rather than busy snapping pictures for memories. The memories that was captured in the mind and heart counts more than the memories on photo paper. Pictures wouldn't be able to capture how you feel about the place there and then. Memories might fade but the feeling, it will always be there. First kiss, I forgot how it was but I remember how it feels like - weird and wrong. Hahahaha, messy. My point being, it will always be there. The feeling at that moment, it was irreplaceable and unlikely to be forgotten for life.

But now, I had the responsibility to share my life with everyone that cares about me. So I picked up a little bit of photography using my Iphone. And I got some really nice comments from my Instagram, my followers increased and I got a little recognition from the school paper! I shall go steal a few copies and show it to you guys. But hey, my main point of all this is, if I didn't venture to this area, I will never had gotten that. Sometimes its a complete waste of time but sometimes, the time wasted isn't all for nothing.

So perhaps it was right of him to tell me that even if I don't see us together in the future, it doesn't mean its not worth the time. Sometimes the journey is the destination.

Lets see, I was picking out things that I was never comfortable doing and try to strike it off my list one by one. Whats next on the list?