*I dwelled for a long time whether to write this long ass post as writing it would mean prying my heart open again. But I decided it is for the better so I hereby present Melissa in her most vulnerable form.
Few days ago, I bid goodbye to someone that was so important to me I thought I'd rather die than to live without him in my life. I've also learned that there is no one I can't live without. It was exactly one year ago I was completely infatuated with him. The infatuation grows everyday. I am willing to see past all his flaws (what flaws?), focusing on only the good parts.
As I grew older, I searched for emotional connections. The easiest way is to be able to hold a conversation and talk about everything. From topics that I am an expert to topics that the other person is an expert in, or just topics that we both share the same view or have completely different opinions on it and discuss it in a manner that left both with a brand new perspectives that hadn't previously crossed our minds. There are no topics too trivial or too awkward to talk about. Being able to converse without judgement or competition is what I searched for and is the single thing that I would never compromise in any relationship.
Its a relationship that last. You don't have to have something in common (well not much anyway) with me but you have to have the same level of curiosity as me or even more. We don't have to have the knowledge in the same thing, that way we kept learning from each other.
As the relationship changes, we still managed to maintain the friendship that we had built along the way. I enjoyed his company and our conversation just as much. I decided that no matter what the label is, I would no doubt enjoy having him in my life. It is not the classic negotiation stage in one of the grief stages. It just fell into place. Yes, I've been through the sad phases and had decided that the time has come to store that as a past experience, learn to let go and carry on exploring the future, with him being a good friend.
For about 4 months, my plan went well. I am recovering with the help of friends that endured my theories regarding the demise and those theories range a fair bit. I decided to venture to the outside world alone and had met quite a few people. Some turned into great friends, some were great chats for the night. I am happy with my progress, though once in a while, there are moments of weakness but those moments got shorter and shorter every time and as the day passes, I am sure that our time is up.
Everyday I struggle with the same thought but everyday was power through with positivity weaved in by myself and friends including him. Speaking from someone that is going through a "sort of" tough time (I said "sort of" because those were rather first world problems), I kept my spirits high by focusing on the good and having an open mind. Never saying no to social invitations, trying all kinds of new activities that were previously scary (being slightly cheeky from time to time), exploring new hobbies, went into old abandoned habits. You name it.
Finally, good thoughts paid off. I met a like minded person. It wasn't quite so permanent as I thought, I was shocked to have met someone that I could talk for hours on end on the first few hours we met. We basically covered everything on earth, from arts to commerce, from our views on emotions to exchanging thoughts on how to survive in this world as young (lost) adults.
As the time we had were limited (cue Before Sunrise anyone), we stayed true to ourselves. I love these encounters, these fleeting affairs, I am always more willing to be vulnerable because I knew I never had to see him or her anymore. His subsequent judgments or opinions about me doesn't matter. We stayed up the entire night basically getting to know each other, knowing perfectly well when the sun rises, it was time for him to go (Cinderella or Dracula?).
But life had another plan in mind for us, we found the opportunity to meet up again. Now being entirely sure of what our feelings are towards each other, we did not hold back. We enjoyed every moment like it will be our last. We travelled and boy, I never had been SO spontaneous in my life. The stranger danger alarm went off for 2 seconds but I decided to just take the risk. I am glad I did, I crossed off items on my bucket list that I didn't know was there at the first place. It may be too premature to say that I found the courage to love again but I did. Through a fleeting affair with a stranger nonetheless.
It was the most beautiful thing in the world. Being vulnerable. Part of my fear when the previous relationship changes is that I will never be able to love again and I just proved myself wrong. Of course, where is the fun in this entire story if there isn't another twist that comes in and completely wrecked the integrity of the story?
The (past) friend decided to catch up and do something that completely disappoint me. The disappointment was so intense that I couldn't bare to be his friend anymore. Got to give it to him, he did know how to pick a moment. He lost my respect in the fact that he is able to remain dignified even when life isn't going the way we wanted (he was the one that taught me life won't be what I planned to be, he gave me the courage to weave those fragile positivity in my daily struggle). He wasn't the person I thought he was. Even though he doesn't know it, he chose the time when my courage is on its way to a full recovery. And he chose a time when I am infatuated with someone else. I do not know the reason why he is doing this, but this decision to clear his conscious had burden me with his guilt. That wasn't the person that I came to respect and love.
Some people came in your life for a season, some for a reason. He is the latter and I think he served his purpose.
